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December 9, 2001
a year ago
two years ago
three years ago
four years ago

I Think I'm Live!


I think it's been at least ten months, if not a very great deal longer since I've actually written an entry using Flick. Since even before Jet's birthday, I was mostly writing my entries either on my home machine or on the Visor and then uploading them, felt a little guilty tying up one of flick's connections for too long. But for the first time in many months, since I'm able to update here I might as well do it. It feels very strange.

Okay, no more or less strange than seeing entries from just a few days ago that have emotional and other resonances going by as I see them get put up here.

Jet's still eating like there's not going to be any more food. Yesterday I had a 102 degree fever, today I had the shakes and another fever while we were out again at Costco and Flatirons Crossing for Yet More Christmas presents. I also spent three hours on the phone while mildly dizzy with fever and swallowing a sore throat with Kathy dealing with her end and aftermath of politely telling my Mom we couldn't make it for specifically for Christmas. I think it helped her a lot. It was worth the doing, fun or upsetting or not, it was worth at least trying to communicate.

It really reminded me, to hell and gone, of all the times I 'fought' with M.. It wasn't the same thing at all as, at least, some constructive work was done. The one good thing I brought out of all that is that if I have a really fucked up self-esteem, I am doing something about it. I am actively changing who I am and I'm becoming more of what I want to be. I can be who and what I really want to be. I have changed tremendously and I know where I want to go and I'm far better at being who and what I want to be than I used to be. Best of all I'm happier for all the work.

I thanked John for his complete and total ability to be totally obtuse and have to have everything done explicitly. I once thought it a curse and a thing to be mourned. I now see that it's probably the best thing that ever happened to my abilities to communicate and to respect the two-way thing that communication has to be for it to work. That any and all mis-communications are a work of both parties, just as any clear communication is a work of both parties as well, never just one. And, oh God, thank John for the hard-fought lesson against the hubris and expectation and constant disappointments of mind-reading.

Yesterday, we managed, without any complaint, to get new tires for my Passat after that the second tire of the four tire set has gone out. There are some things that are just that much more important than never carrying a credit card balance. After the first of the year, we're likely to get some relief, it's just a matter of time. We also stocked up on groceries, got free hair cuts as Christmas presents from our hair lady (who loved seeing Jet again). Jet had a great time crawling around the beauty salon and peeking at and grinning at all the people in there.

In some ways Linda humbled me. She clearly couldn't afford giving away a lot of her business, but she did it for us and I was totally unprepared for that, and very thankful.

Lunch was at Chili's. They said that there was going to be a 35 minute wait for a table, but it only took fifteen minutes and John had hightailed it to Kohl's for a few things, so he only joined us at our table much later. Jet tried to crawl over the partition between cubicles to the little boy across the wall, and they both had fun playing at each other for a while. Jet also ate nearly a whole chicken finger, lots of avocado from the guacamole, and chunks out of my Southwestern egg roll. He also liked my Sprite a lot, but drank water as well. I was very impressed.

We picked up the Passat after getting groceries, and it is amazing what new tires and an adjustment will do to the ride of a car. I feel far, far safer in it now, and I don't have to worry about the tires for a very long time now. I am very glad of that.

When we got home I was just a bit tired, and I attributed it to lack of exercise. So I got on the exercise bike and went for thirty minutes. I felt better for it, and the shower afterward. I was so cold just before getting into the shower and it just felt so good to have really hot water pouring over me. When I was done with that, John wanted his turn at the bike as well, so I took over taking care of Jet while John rode and showered. I don't know exactly why, but when Jet got hungry I tried feeding him solids instead of nursing him. It was four and it had already been four hours since I'd last nursed him, but I think I wasn't thinking very clearly already...

But he ate a little, but he was still grumpy, so I changed him and he was a little wet and dirty, but that didn't fix it either. He as also sounding kind of hoarse, and the Motrin is good if he's having a sore throat, so I gave him some of that as well, and that helped him out a lot. He got very cheerful and played away happily until John was done and showered and everything.

John made us dinner. I just wanted noodle soup and we'd bought really cheap ramen and I ended up making it with the beef broth stuff while John fed Jet again. This time Jet ate another jar and a half of food. I was hungry for hot soup, but when the food hit the table, I could only eat half of my dinner. When I was done I was feeling shot... and really, really hot.

I had a 102 degree fever. Which was reassuring to me, oddly enough. After Jet's fevers last week, 104 sounds dangerous, 102 is just an annoyance. I got to experience, first hand, how annoying it is and now I know why Jet gets up a lot, as it's just painful and nasty and sweaty and uncomfortable. I know it's killing those flue viruses dead, but it's uncomfortable. I went to sleep early, and got up to feed Jet and I was leaking everywhere, since it had been about nine hours since I'd fed him. Of course he wasn't that hungry, either as he'd been snacking on banana cookies (with A, C, D, and iron, too!).

I did talk with John about feeling guilty about 'making him do everything for Jet' while I was sick, but he pointed out, pretty clearly, how I'd taken care of everything when he was sick. He also said that it was pretty obvious to him that I did a whole lot of day duty, alone, with Jet, and that he kind of felt like he as making up for some of that by doing the early morning duty and half of the night duties as well. It was good to talk it all out with him and have him both acknowledge my emotions and then some facts for me to think through and figure out, for myself, that it was okay to take the time and I had few real reasons to feel guilty.

I felt better after the late nap, and the middle of the night risings were actually pretty easy. I did pretty good with those.

Today I was feeling a bit better, and then there was the three hour call. While I was on the phone, Jet climbed the stairs for the first time, with John following closely after. Jet actually got all the way to the second to last stair and started yelling simply because he was so tired. John just talked with him and told him he wouldn't pick him up and he'd just have to tough out the last two steps and with some cheering, Jet made it all the way up!! Hoorah!!

I got to see Jet's arm waving between the rails upstairs. He was trying to reach the kitchen from up there. Yes, can you say, "No Fear of Heights, yet?"

He got to play upstairs for a while with John following and they tried going downstairs. Jet went headfirst, somersaulted and John caught him, and they tried for a while, but Jet kept going headfirst. John even set him up so he might be able to try going backwards, but Jet kept turning around and trying it head first. Which actually fits his personality way too well. They finally went down the conventional way with John carrying Jet. Jet wasn't unhappy with that. He was mildly frustrated that the way he wanted to go wasn't working, but he'll work it out eventually.

I felt terrible after the call, shivering with a chill and I knew the fever was going to happen, too. I was *so* not hungry, but I ate some tomato soup anyway as I knew I'd need the vitamins and liquids. John's brother Walt called from DIA. They'd been stuck there and had wondered if we wanted to come out to see them, but our phone had been busy. Oops. They didn't mind, and it was good to know that I had no guilt about doing what needed doing. I was still feeling awful, so I ate two Motrin and I knew it was going to kick in, so I just toughed it out and we went and shopped. It was mostly stocking up on stuff we really needed, but it really exhausted me and John was really good about watching for that and got me home with a Popeye's dinner before I completely collapsed.

Dinner was good, a little time to catch up without traveling and without visitors was even better. I'm glad of finally having some time to ourselves.

Of course that's when John's brother called and then a co-worker called to pick up the two giant speakers we sold to make some room in the livingroom for Jet to play in. So we got a visit and a conversation.

I finally got the time to actually catch up here. I am amazed. John gave me the time to either nap or get this done, and I had to get this out of my brain. I rammed it right up against the moment that Jet got his bath, and had to quit for a bit to help Jet finally get the snot and food and everything else he'd ground into his hands, face, and hair off of him and let him soak a little while. He really enjoyed that, as he'd been grumpy and tired right before, but with the bath he as much calmer.

I shoo'ed John off to sleep, as he's coming down with this flu bug as well, and he went gladly while I nursed Jet and put Jet into his crib. I then came back up here to the home computer and finished this, corrected some things, checked the spelling (ha!), and got the other stuff up. So it's partially a meta-entry. I'd better go take my Motrin to keep my temp down tonight and go to sleep and actually take care of my physical self.

But it sure is good to finally get some time to take care of my inner self.

It was really funny having Kathy tell me that I wrote this for the feedback, and that she couldn't concieve of me not talking to people. John and I talked about it a little and we figured out that she's probably a Meyer-Briggs extrovert, that the way she resolves things for herself is by talking about them. I'm an introvert. I never call people. Period. I have absolutely no need or interest in talking to people. She seemed so satisfied that I was 'communicating with people' with my journals and she felt that they were the same as email or phone calls, and they're not, really.

I've fought and worked really hard to make this journal for myself. That the reason I write it is for me, not 'for feedback' and not for extra mirroring, and not really for other people. It's for me to work some things out in my own voice and for myself. And, to keep me honest and myself, I work it out in public so that anyone that does read this might actually have a chance of knowing who I am instead of just what I've done. Bad, ugly, wrong, stupid, rodent wheeled headed, unjust, insensative, and judgemental as I am, the bad with the good. Some things hurt and it's high time I could actually tell myself as well as others when it's true instead of hiding it behind being a very nice, good, docile, sunny, upbeat, cheerful, compliant, sweet girl.

<laughter> Okay. Tell *more*. I've been working at this for years, now, and I'm glad I'm getting somewhere.

I can finally acknowledge that it's the thing I've been hunting for all my life, someone to finally know everything that I am, without the public faces and without the accomplishments and without all the things that win only the conditional approval of 'things'. That someone could love me no matter what I feel, what I do, what I decide. My family of Jet and John do that for me, though their knowledge is incomplete. But they've done enough so that I can actually start to figure out how to do that for myself. And maybe that's the only one I really had to win over from the start.

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Copyright 2001 Liralen Li. All Rights Reserved.