February 26, 1998

More Steps

Riding on Tuesday night was easy and fun. Got to bed fairly quick and then spent all of yesterday just working my tail off with the new team on the new stuff. Got prototypes turned in two days, and with quiet approval, we're going to be improving on them. A proof of concept project went well, and so we're going to expand on that as well, making a real interface at the abstract level. Hoorah! Actually going abstract before putting down specific control sets is a new thing for us. This is going to be amusing.

So I've been busy. Last night, I just ate dinner, had some of the tapioca pudding from Trader Joe's which was lovely, creamy, not too sweet, and filled with nice chewy tapioca and then went to bed. My knee was aching for most of the night, so my sleep was pretty broken.

I'm gradually reading Glen Cook's The Black Company. It's likely the first fantasy book I've ever read where the protagonists are fighting, in many ways, for the force of evil *and* fighting forces that are pretty nasty themselves. It's really keen, and I really like it a lot, that odd point of view where neither side is any better than the other in a very clear sense. I love the fact that it makes sense. I always wondered how the orcs felt about the folks coming in and wiping them out. The feeling of being a solder in a war involving powers beyond him. I love that.

So I'm not devouring this book, just nibbling now and again and digesting and letting it settle in with the thousand and two other stories in my head.

Reminds me of something. Markleford wanted, in many ways, to have a dream, a direction, a Way that he could walk and know that he was getting somewhere. I think. Thing is, that I find that no one really gets that clear a vision that is that far out. No one I know really *knows* where they'll be in three years, much less ten. So it's all steps into the mist. I guess I'll just concentrate on making each step I take be what I really want and the rest will work itself out. So rarely does anyone get to see the long-term future.

Went to Group Health's Physical Therapy group this morning, with John and told them about the insurance stuff. So we went through a lot of exercises that I could do to get full flexibility back, as well as get the strength back up, get the MCL back from its strain and try to get the knee to straighten so as not to make the bone bruise on the joint any worse. That was useful to me. Very useful, to find out that the pain that happens when I try to straighten my knee to be something that isn't damaging anything. The very best thing for me was simply the permission given to push the pain.

It was also good to go through a more thorough round of exercises that are going to do something for more than just the muscles that push an exercise bike around. Another great thing was learning that because I was walking with my knee bent that I was likely aggravating the bone bruise by doing so, because the point that my knee was at when heel impact occurred wasn't the correct place. The leg should be straight on impact, so that the bones could support each other at that moment. So that was good to know and another reason to work hard on getting the knee to straighten.

So the lady there taught me everything she could quickly and we got through a lot of things that are going to help out a lot in the next two weeks of transition.

Talked with Raven a lot about transitions and how painful the darned things are, especially when they involve uncertainty. This is going to work out. Eventually. It's just hard when one can't see into the damned fog of time and know if it is. But sometimes, to push, certainty just isn't in the picture, and that's just something I get to live with for a while.

Heh. Which brings me to another amusing peeve and thought. I take joy from small things, occasionally. Now even more than before. Stuff like being able to step down from a step with my right foot on the upper step causes joy. Finding that if I bend my knees in just the right way I actually get to stretch a calf muscle that hasn't been stretched for a month was really keen. Being able to snarf down half a container of tapioca pudding. Really itty-bitty things that bring me happiness.

Why is it that some people value joy by how 'big' the thing is that brings it? Why is the joy caused by pudding any less valuable, less healing, than the joy I also got in seeing the Berlin wall come down? Why is any small bit of victory against entropy any less valuable to people just because of it's measure by their values?

Why compare?

Especially when the emotion is real. It just seems so counterproductive to say that 'that and such and so' isn't worth celebrating because it's little or easy or... I dunno. Being able to get on an exercise bicycle is easier now than it was, but now I celebrate the simple fact that it only takes fifty strokes to warm up enough to not being in pain anymore. It's easier, but it's still so worth celebrating, to see my own progress. Each step is a step. Each is small on its own but they add up.

Better to go stumbling through the mists than to just curl up and hide from fear or self-doubt or through the delusion that staying in just the one place makes one safe.

And so I walk. It's kinda fun to look through past entries, sometimes, to see where I've gone in just the last six months.

Yeah. Okay... there are still times, now, when I just curl up and cry over the stupid pain in my knee, and having to deal with something that I didn't have to deal with before. It could be worse, but it isn't. It could be better, but it isn't. So I really do need to deal with what is rather than what 'should be'. Which, perhaps, is an interesting lesson in life.

© 1998 by Liralen Li.

[ Previous | Index | Next ]