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January 7, 2000
a year ago
two years ago

A Real Friday

I really didn't get that much done today.

The remaining fallout with the folks from marketing happened, and we all worked it out. Some of it was the simple fact that one of them was reacting much as I was, and the resolution was simply that he realized it as well as I did. The two of us have, in the past, clashed in a similar fashion, so it really wasn't entirely my fault. I shouldn't claim more than my due. That was something of a relief as well. The other was that the other person walked in the midst of the fire fight completely unprepared and between all the communication I gave him and the extra data he needed, he finally figured out what was going on and also, between the two of us, figured how what he needed to do the next time in order to not precipitate the same events.

It is really, really nice to work these kinds of things through with people that take responsibility for their side of it as well, and it was totally surprising and validating to find that they were willing to act on the fact that it really is a two sided street, and that while I should do what I can on mine, that they were willing to take responsibility for theirs. This was the one thing that never happened with Mark, with him, it was always and solely my fault and he never really figured out either what to do or that he had any possible power in the outcome or that he might ever do anything to stop it early. It is so weird to realize this in such a concrete fashion.

John has figured that out, and he's figured out when he really has nothing to do with it and it really is my problem as well as when he is the trigger and how to stop doing that when he has. He's also figured out the techiques and actions that it takes to make me get out of the loop and simply not escalate to the point that Mark always took it beyond the point that these guys had accidentally escalated it to. So I know it's possible and I also know that I am capable of good things with working all this through as well because of the hard work I put into my relationship with John that paid off. But with him it's not as clear cut as it was with this or with what Mark and I used to do.

It is a real Friday today, probably the first that I had in a while, even with the vacations I was actually bringing my machine home to work sometime. Some of the feeling comes from how much specific to the product that I've accomplished, the rest comes from working through this whole emotional morass. I am going to take the entire weekend off, and try to get off of this too much stress plateau of energy, and relax a little. It really does help having my boss completely refuse to do any work on weekends, but willing to do quite a lot on the weekdays. So there is some downtime.

Genevieve was having monitor problems with her machine so I wasn't able to see her today online. Cera was occupied with work and silent for much of the day, though she did say that Howard sent her a very nice letter saying that lunch with me had been fun. That was very nice. I spent much of the afternoon talking with Geoff and he really made me think in some instances.

There are some relationships where it is simply nice to be with and talk with someone who obviously likes me, and it is often easy to be quite open about liking them back. There isn't anything implied in such a relationship, and, being married, there isn't the romantic uncertainties of trying to become "involved". None of that strange emotional jockeying around for a more favorable mask that favors romance. I really enjoy Carl and much of the Horde and my conversations with them for many of those reasons. There are, however, a few concessions that can be made to simply make everything more comfortable.

On an everyday basis, I am a fairly likable human being. Somewhat withdrawn, sometimes unable to deal with social pressure, but usually cheerful and, hopefully, helpful for those seeking ideas, insight, or simply another viewpoint about a problem, situation, or even simply a question. I really do enjoy exchanging systems of belief. One of my axioms seems to be that everything I believe must be tested to make sure that it is the most efficient belief or the one that is most conducive to doing what I really want to do in the long-term. If it isn't, I'm willing to replace it with something that works better. That is one thing that my Dad taught me that I am really, truly thankful for. So I usually ask about beliefs, in order to learn, and, in part, to see if there is something better out there.

On the most part, my beliefs are positive. Most of them involve a basic belief in the ability for people to change their situations. A better way of putting it was done by Bujold through Cordelia, that every action has its consequence and its accompanying theorem that if one wants a certain consequence than one had better do the action to cause it. What is most interesting is seeing that axiom coming at me from a completely different viewpoint of the entire world and how it works.

In many ways Geoff's viewpoint of the world reminded me of Mark's, very cynical; however, Geoff also has the completely unrelated ability to believe in the possibility of positive change and try changing things for the better anyway. It was a very interesting juxtaposition, and, I think, a very important difference. The problem was that I was already shaken by the previous two days, and not willing to deal with anything negative at an emotional level. So I went home feeling rather depressed, even though it was a very good exchange of friendship information.

I also got specific physical evidence of why my entire week has been complete hell. I really hate hormones and periods and really, truly hate blaming things on something that 'should' be a 'natural condition' that I sometimes think that I really should have a complete handle on dealing with, since I've only been living with this situation for... oh... 24 years, damnit. My actions are my actions. I really need to get a handle on it. It also doesn't help to have the emotional combination of knowing that it has been yet been other month wasted in the pursuit of pregnancy. The combination of disappointment and physical discomfort is quite the doozy. Not something that I haven't read about, but it is something else to experience.

We didn't go home until after 8:30 p.m., John was busy with other things and I was too depressed to really think about actually telling him anything. Instead, I fixed another bug, did everything to get it into the system, and called him while I was on the last stages of that. It turned out, as usual, that he had been working hard enough that he hadn't noticed the time at all. I was even more depressed due to lack of blood sugar, and he recognized the symptoms to the point of taking the home and making dinner for me without ever asking what was wrong. That was very good.

He toasted pizza for me, and then served me Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey. Finally, he set me in front of the TV and started Crash Team Racing. The videogame really helped my brain, and I went to sleep content in the fact that it was the weekend and I didn't have to get up in the morning for any reason other than my own desire.

Oh yes, one more thing, I think all of the stocks we bought have recovered completely from the "correction", so I don't think any of our stocks are particularly incorrect. The Montauk stocks, however, that were bought for us by the broker seemed to have lost a significant position. I really need to do some research this coming weekend to see where I want to move our funds once those stocks actually come into our control.

Brought to you by Dragon System's Point & Speak.

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