July 22, 1997

Tired today. Aching, too. Got a ball right in the face last night, hard. So fast and hard I didn't have time to close my eyes, so I got grit all along my contacts, so I had to pull 'em out and toss 'em before I could see. Good thing the lenses were there, or I'd have that stuff directly in my eye. <sigh>

So I'm not real motivated about work today and everything aches a bit, as we played really hard last night. I spent half of the game on the front line, the second half at halfback and ran until I couldn't anymore. The other team complimented me on my play, but we lost anyway. I don't mind the losing as I think I played fairly well for what I could do.

Lifted a Land Rover firewall today and had most of the weight on my left hand and wrist and it ached for just a bit afterwards, but seems okay now. The strengthening exercises really are working. It hurt to lift anything a few months ago. The last therapy session was okay. Basically a check list of things that I've done, and a good last session check on my grip strength, which is now normal. My pinch strength is still weak, so I have to work on that with the putty, but now I know what will make me better. It seems to always been nice to have a meaningful measurement to mark progress.

<very wry grin> The last time Mark and I fought it included something like the above. What's funny about it in retrospect is that while we both agreed that measurements were good, I bought up the fact that they had to be meaningful measurement to do any good, which he took as an insult or something and came back with a volley of well of course it has to be that way, but it's still true that measurements are good!! As if I were fighting or arguing with him. Maybe it really is just that both of us have been too hurt by how things ended to ever really read what the other writes without getting hurt again by it, to feel like the other is deliberately belittling. <wry grin> Not a good thing, all in all. And he won't even talk with me through it anymore.

Last thing we had was just surface data. 'How was today, dear?' Which has never been my idea of a good or great relationship. To know the other, inside and out, has always been what I've wanted in a relationship, the rest is incidental, it grows from the other naturally. If we can't share the internals, what's the rest worth? I don't really care about 'do's' so much as 'are's', mostly because I do all the time, as naturally as breathing. What's hard are the 'be's' for me. To simply sit and be is so hard yet so rewarding when I can just sit still long enough to do it.

John and I used to have a relationship that was all surface data. Lots and lots of surface data, to be sure, as we not only lived together, but work together, and so we knew what was going on in each other's lives nearly every day. But I'm the introvert as well as introspective, and John is what might be called extrospective, entirely focussed outside himself, almost to the point where 'what he is' doesn't matter to him nearly as much as what's going on outside. He's kinda like Popeye, "I am what I am." But exactly what he is, he doesn't really know or care to study. He just is.

So a lot of that relationship wasn't fulfilling what I needed, which is more of the depths, and in the last two years, he and I have really worked on that, and his giving me more of that. In the process of all that, he's learned a lot more about himself as I have learned about him and myself and what the relationship has meant to me. There's also been a lot of learning on his part as to why I need that, and what parts of me need to be understood as well. All very neat stuff.

What's surprised me is that I've also picked up some of his nonchelance for instrospection. I don't have to agonize as much as I did over what I have done or would do or want to do, anymore. Simply doing what stems from what I am. And that's been a bit of a joy in and of itself...

There's this saying by someone that I've forgotten but the essense of it seemed to be, "Sad is the man who dives into the depths of his soul to find that it is only ankle deep."

© 1997 by Liralen Li

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