< June 3, 1998 >

Accepting Gifts

Utterly, totally, completely gorgeous day today.

Lots of work. That was okay. Then at 2 p.m., I had physical therapy. Went in after nearly two weeks of doing nearly nothing at home, other than the workout last Saturday. Which was good on my cold, in that my cold was finally going away, but the body really, really objected to the exertion after the long rest.

So much so I nearly fainted in the parking lot. Ooops.

After dragging Rick around forwards a few times and then backwards a few times, we stopped for a rest stop and a drink before trying to do it sideways. My legs were just a bit wobbly, which was to be expected, so I sat down for a bit. When I stood up again, my vision suddenly went tunnel, I nearly blacked out and so abruptly sat down again. It was nearly ten minutes before my blood got to pumping hard enough to get back to my head. And for that whole time I was growling, grumphing and otherwise swearing about the stupidity of it all.

Rick, on the other hand was saying that this happens sometimes. That if folks sit around for two months, things go away, and that they'll come back with time. I was really angry for a bit, but then acknowledged his wisdom and experience. I hate being unable, incompetent. It's just hard on me, and it makes me ferociously mad. So I kept trying to get up, and kept having to sit down, until I just actually heard him and finally just sat down until I could see again.

After I started recovering Rick made a joke about me just faking it to get more time out in the sunshine. It was just so gorgeous that it got a laugh from me when I really needed to laugh. So I let go of the rage and said, "Yeah, it nearly does make it worth it to sit out here."

After we got in, we didn't push anything as hard. Which was good, we did do a lot of things, though, including a lot of leg lifts, a bunch of balancing and using a balance board to rock, under control, back and forth a lot. There was all the star board stuff and various other things. So that ended up with me having a very sore and very wobbly knee by the time I got out.

My entire body hurt from everything. Which wasn't conducive to being able to think or being able to do much of anything. Not too fun. Which was why I'd actually scheduled it to be somewhat late in the afternoon.

Raven was coming over, and it was good to have the time to shower and get dinner together. I made something really simple, just the carbonara with a bunch of ham and peas as well, and it was yummy, quick and filling. Then the three of us piled into the Stoat with Fezzik and went to Dairy Queen!

It was a necessity. I was all spiky and grumpy and nasty and I knew that I needed cheering up or I'd be hitting both of them all evening, as they were happily bouncing off each other. Cheerful people can be annoying when one is grumpy, so I thought I'd remove the annoyance the easy way, but getting myself cheerful. Between Raven wearing the flying ace goggles, the shock of seeing all the new construction around the Dairy Queen, John singing on the way to the place, the utter joy with which Fezzik gobbled his cone and the simple pleasure of a Dairy Queen hot fudge sundae with nuts, it worked.

By the time we rumbled back it was good. I was more cheerful even with a really exhausted body.

So Raven and I finally got to sit down and talk a lot, without pain, a cold, or drugs eating my brain or the Bandicoot eating his, and it was good to talk again. Just about anything and everything for a while. Everything that's been bugging me and just getting it expressed made it real. Sometimes the things in my head, if I don't tag 'em, identify 'em, figure out what they are, can eat me alive, for real. They affect my real life in so many ways that the words 'just in your head' have no more meaning for me. It's where everything starts. So it was good to go through the head housecleaning with Raven, see what's there, dust it all off and sort it according to me.

THEN he gave me a backrub and I realized that I've been collecting pain in my shoulders instead of anywhere else. Mostly because of the new toothguard and with the return to the old one, the pain was still accumulated, but wasn't building more. He firmly rubbed all that pain away, and went to my lower back and was pleased and amused to find that it wasn't bad at all. Yeah. I'm healing. The knee getting better has helping my legs get better which meant that my back was getting better and finally releasing tensions that it'd been holding since January.

He said that it's been the best he's seen and likely was as good as when I was whole. Which lead into a little discussion about whether or not he'd ever laid hands on my back when it was whole. I didn't think he had, and I went back through my journal and found that while I'd given him a backrub on the 13th of January, I'd been hurt on the 20th, after a trip out of town, and he hadn't given me one before the time I gave him one, so... he's never given me a backrub when I wasn't hurt. Which begs the question of whether or not that was one of the reasons he was here, for my life, at least. To teach me to ask for help when I needed it, when I as down and to realize what a joy it is to accept freely given gifts and really realize that I can heal by them as well as by my own efforts.

I think I need to remember that the next time Rick asks me if I need a breather. <laughter>

So sleep was deep and dreamless.

© 1998 by Liralen Li.

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