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June 29, 2000
a year ago

Visit, Appetites, and Love

The days flow by, mostly unremarkable, other than the fact that morning sickness hasn't quite seemed to have taken a toehold on me, yet. There have been some queasy moments, but nothing serious. I'll keep crossed fingers that it continues for the whole trimester. I'm also gradually realizing that I have lost my brain and any extra energy I might have had. That isn't quite so fun.

Bob has arrived. He and Mai and Andrew, their son, actually appeared Monday and that evening John and I drove over to their new house with food from China Gourmet and it was very, very well received. They liked what we brought and we liked visiting them in their house on the golf course. None of them play golf, but the movers were saying that they just should hop the fence and play. The good thing about living where they do is that the view from the back of the house is really nice, this time of year. Lots of green, rolling land, nearly like it's just their own huge yard. There is some swampy stuff right on the other side of the fence, though, so I don't know how long it will be until mosquitos find the place.

The new house, itself, is beautiful, large and really nice. A few kinks that the builder didn't quite finish, but mostly it's all there. Solid and newly insulated and everything. They're rolling around in it, a little, as it's bigger than their old place. I kinda liked that we moved into a place that was smaller than our old place, both to get rid of things we didn't need and to figure out what it was we really did need. But most people move as they did. They really like it, which is cool. It's also not that far from a Safeway, which is where we went and got dessert. Turns out that Dreyer's has this gorgeous mango sorbet that has whole fruit in it and it shows. The richness of the flavor and the depth is just wonderful. No fat, and lots and lots of really nice flavor, so I bought some for myself last night, when John and I went to the market.

It was another shopping trip with some really astonishingly healthy stuff. We got Popeye's fried chicken to make up for it; but the chicken dinner really made my stomach mildly unhappy. Which was kinda sad for me. I was half hoping it would be okay. This morning I had a scrambled egg, a fresh plum, a glass of calcium orange juice and a bowl of whole grain cinnamon cereal, which turned out to be a really square and nice meal; but I was nibbling Wheat Thins and cheddar before lunch time, raced through my chicken with mushroom sauce and rice with broccoli flowerets, and am probably going to be nibbling all afternoon.

It seems to be okay, weight wise, as I've gained only a little more than a pound since this all started. I'm only supposed to gain about 3 pounds in the first trimester anyway. The second will start seeing a pound per week gain, and then the third will see that decrease a little. Sounds like I'm going to have to watch my weight like a hawk, both when I don't gain enough and when I gain too much.

Realized something when a friend assumed that I was watching my weight because I hated how I looked. I like how I look, on the most part. I like this long, strong body. I've always hated being female, to some extent, but I realize, now, that a lot of that was due to most of those parts of me being in pain and being useless and frustrating. Now that I'm actually using them and they're all changing in order to be utilitarian instead of patently ornamental, or only a source of pleasure for someone other than me, they're getting a little higher in my estimation. So I'm probably going to really like this body when, from a superficial stance, it's getting 'popularly ugly', i.e. gaining features that pop culture likes to state is 'ugly'. Mostly because there's a reason and a usage behind the features. Any weight gain will be gain in support stuctures and in growth of the baby itself. Stretch marks are just accomidation features. Breast growth will be to actually do the magic of making milk and sustaining life. It's just kinda cool. Weird, yes, as the changes are so swift in comparison to how little my body has really changed in the last 15 years; but not bad and certainly not something to hate.

Yeah, some of it is uncomfortable. No one is going to say that morning sickness or heavier breasts are enjoyable things. But, as a book so succinctly stated, these discomforts were not solely designed to make the mother's life miserable. The first leads to a more highly efficient digestive system, plus is a side effect of a number of hormonal changes. The latter simply provides necessary mechanisms for sustaining the new life. It becomes interesting in the light of the utility.

Oh, I put a picture of the fish into yesterday's account.

Today's also the first sunny day since the weekend. Warm and bright. I should probably go for a short walk.

I did. It was wonderful. Hot out there, especially with the high-altitude sunshine. I never really realized that it would make such a difference, but it realy does. The heat is so much more intense up here, and even the deep sunshine of San Diego doesn't quite compare with the glare of the thermonuclear reaction that is a mile closer here. So I kept to a low-traffic road that had a few shade trees established well enough to actually get some shade from on the sidewalk and I toddled down it, checking my Pikachu every once in a while for how long I'd been out. I started determined to only keep it to 10 minutes out and then just go right back, but when I hit the end of the ten minutes I was in mildly new territory and I wanted to see what was just beyond a bend.

So I'd gone east from work, and went back into what is basically business park, a place where we normally go to find a deli to just have a nice walk and eat something and then get back to work. I had to go a bit beyond the deli, though, to make my time, and what intrigued me was that the road had gone back, turned south and then bend back west again. Sure enough, I could see the wizzing cars back on 55th, so I stopped at that point and went back along the very quiet, low fume road, back to Xilinx. I was just a little sweaty when I got back into the coolness of the air conditioning, but pretty happy.

Most of the day had been meetings, and between meetings I'd found that Geoff was at meetings, or working, or had gone home to do research and more work. It's something he'd mildly warned me about early in the relationship and it's obvious enough, to me, from our letters, times when we do get to talk, etc. that he really does care and really does miss me without longing for me (which I think is good) and really does want me when it's possible, that it doesn't matter the way it had with Mark. It's a good thing. He's build a solid enough base with me that I can argue down the fears and stomp on the unreasonable voices that have always wondered why anyone says they love me.

Oddly enough, I'm figuring out what love actually feels like. I think when I was younger, I equated longing with love. Perhaps it was the plethora of romance novels I used to read, where romance is mostly depicted as two people with obstacles in the way of actually telling each other that they love each other, and in a romance novel, when they finally get around to actually being straightfoward about anything, it's over. Little actual example of how married people, who have each other around all the time and deal with each other every day, actually are in love. So the most romantic things were all courting things, uncertainty things, longing or wanting without fulfilment. So it's no wonder that I thought that, with all the longing I had for Mark, that I was utterly in love with him; and, because I had John around everyday and had no reason or way to 'long' for him, that I thought I was out of love with him. It's so weird, when I look back at it.

The nice thing is realizing that I actually do know what love feels like without longing, now. That I've worked into that. Into the daily support and the real sustainence of a marriage the way it really should be. The daily discoveries, shared joys and pains, and all the working relationship and closeness of a real marriage. Along with the cool, fun love of a secondary that can take into account the fact that we both have lives that we need to get to and live. Understanding that is a really, really cool thing.

John was stuck in a late meeting until after 6, by which time I was hungry and rather grumpy from hunger. Which John knew well enough, so he collected me the moment he got out and we zoomed home, where I lumped some leftover meatloaf into spaghetti sauce and we had meat sauce on spaghetti with spinach salad, chibatta bread and all the juice I could drink. Yum. That made me much happier. During dinner, I said, aloud to John that I knew that I'd read something really cool that Feynman wrote about love and about marriage but forgotten where it was, and that I wanted it for a wedding some friends have asked me to help with. They're basically Techers like I am and I thought it would be more appropriate than the usual wedding readings. So I found it in Genius by James Gleick on page 150. Actually John found something close to it, i.e. quasi-medical quotes at the time about how people with tuberculosis, at that time, were discouraged from marrying anyone and then an account of how Richard's mother had really been opposed to his marriage to the woman he loved, who had contracted lymphomic TB. When I finally hit the quote, I just cried and cried.

The nurse at Conceptions joked to John that when I started crying at Kodak commercials, he'd know I was really, really pregnant. I rarely cry at insipid things, but courageous things, brave things, hopeful things, those I cry at anyway; and this one just hit me hard.

It was when I cried at all the efforts everyone's gone to to make sure that the fourth Henry Potter book's plot remained secret for kids, especially a London newspaper that mysteriously got a copy and actually, instead of printing things, sent the book, unopened, back to the publisher, that I realized, yeah, I'm pregnant and emotionally a little tippy.


Then we packed for a trip we're taking into the mountains tomorrow, after we get Fezzik back from chemo. A guy from work is getting married up there, and it should be fun, casual and cool. We'll know people from work and it should be fun, all in all, and I might pick up good, interesting material for the wedding, too. I just hope I'll be able to travel with my weird appetite.

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