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March 20, 2000
two years ago

Tying and Untying

Tiring day.

I got things done. Surprised myself a little, but I managed to not only finish the rather extensive changes, but present a meaningful code review at 5:15 in the afternoon and get it completely reviewed even by someone that was completely out of the group and then did all the double-checks to get it checked in cleanly. Oof.

Tired. Did it by 7 p.m. and felt really good finishing a significant piece of what I have to get done before I go to visit Geoff.

I also had a really, really good day with Geoff. He did really well today, and managed to turn a few things that I said really wrong into something that wasn't a fight at all, just a discussion of things that were differences, so I really do feel that changes happen, that he learns quickly and, I think, that I might also be useful in learning a behaviour that is good for both of us instead of old patterns.

Progress is good.

I also had to face up to the fact that for years, I really have believed that nothing I write is publishable. That the main reason I have this site and all the material on it is 'cause I don't really believe my writing is good enough to actually publish. That this is something that I can pour the time and talent into and have the excuse for not writing 'for real'. I've always said that the enjoyment folks derive from this is enough, for now, while I'm working so hard and using my brains up on the things that I have to to get a paycheck and do the career things I do. That in just three years, I might actually have the time to write again, rather than beating my hands into a pulp over code.

It's odd to know that, for me, having a connection with Geoff, who is a professional writer, is such a mixed thing for me. I have nearly no self-esteem on the subject of writing, eventhough for years Carl's complimented me gorgeously and I've gotten lots of good and positive comments on my writing through the years. So, maybe postive stuff isn't the real motivator and never has been.

Mark asked me questions just a short while back about why I don't write fiction and I answered as honestly as I knew how, then. That I was mostly just too tired from my everyday efforts to go into the efforts needed to really, truly explore the alternate possibilities of fiction for a long time. It really isn't an escapist thing for me anymore. It used to be when I was a kid, I could escape, run away into a book and it would be cool. When I had less damanding jobs, it was also an escape of sorts, a usage for my energy and imagination that resulted in alt.cyberpunk.chatsubo and other things. But now...

It's all mixed up. Contradiction on contradiction. I want to write, but I don't want to make the extra effort to get my brain in gear 'after hours'. I have always written better with someone else, playing off of them and with them, yet I really want to write something by myself. Yet I don't seem to manage to get my motivation up unless someone depends on me or I figure out a schedule or methodology that I can really fit in. And in the midst of all my own insecurity about all this, Geoff touched on my confusion deeply because I know he's good and he, very simply, does it and does it well.

Oof.

I didn't rip into Geoff or anything, but I might have unloaded more than I should have of it onto him.

Anyway... John and I didn't get home until late, and I talked with him some about it all. The bet he made me kinda triggered a lot of this thinking and my own confusion about the whole thing. I want to, but I don't. I made beef strogenoff from the leftover roast, some onions, mushrooms and sour cream, but didn't thicken the juices nearly enough, but it tasted good. So we just ate it with the last of the sourdough to sop of up all the good juices. And afterwards I was so tired, all I could do was vegitate in front of the TV, with the missing journal entries just haunting me.

Sleep, however, was quick. I was still sore and tired from yesterday, as was John. We both took a hot bath, him first, then me, and the soaking really just made it easy to fall into deep sleep. I dreamed again, vivid and clear and sharp about a dorm room situation that was really funny as all the people in the dorm were the grown-up versions of the people I knew back then, complete with spouses and kids. Aie.

Brought to you by Dragon System's Point & Speak.

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