< May 7, 1998 >


Didn't get home until about 8pm last night. Had some problems with some stuff at work that kept me there later. In part also to make up for PT on Tuesday. So it wasn't entirely unplanned. But it meant that I was starving as I went through my hour and a half routine of exercises and by the time I was done and the phone rang I was grumpy, low on blood sugar, and stressed.

John and I talked for a while about the problem that I was having at work, the fact that my knee was just bothering the hell out of me, and the whole problem with scheduling this weekend and the fact that it's going to be Mother's Day, and his brother was coming down and since John was outta town I had to schedule things for their Mother's Day celebration and that I really have to get something for my Mom before then. And... and... and...

I stressed. Way too much. Recovering perfectionist and I still haven't got it down. Likely never will to my satisfaction and I just get to live with that fact. I'm human. *wry grin*

He told me to eat, to ice and watch basketball and he'd call me back after I had some food in me. I did, he did and it was much better. Also called the restaurant that had a good brunch, usually, and they had room for five at noon, so that was no problem. Now I get to figure out what I'm going to do about the fact that Kelly J. Cooper is coming into town and I wanted to spend Sunday morning and early afternoon with her and Regis. I may do that anyway, but John's Mom really has made me feel welcome into her family and nearly a daughter. So. I dunno.

So, instead of dealing, I sat and read a trashy romance, one of a pile that Kathy sent me, and it was a really good one. And by the end I was crying like crazy again. Happy endings, for some reason, always get me to cry. Pain and embarrassment and problems only get me to think about how to solve them or what part of the character's personality made them that way, but when things work, when they click, that's when I start crying. Weird, but the crying from the book turned into real crying for a while. Just for a while, to release stuff that's been held back for a while.

I'm not even really sure what. It's kinda disconcerting not really knowing *why* I was crying. Some of it is the fact that I'm likely losing Raven to his future, which isn't a bad thing as the boy's actually *found* what he wants to do and that's definitely something to celebrate. But to not have him around at all anymore... well, that was definitely worth crying about. Also was feeling grumpy about not getting email from him, but I can fix that by asking. That's the nice thing with him is that if I ask, I usually get without guilt. And while I don't want to be dragging him back to his past or whatever, it's a request he can refuse. Also the whole time of being alone, plus confusion over the weekend, plus stress at work with things that I can't seem to resolve, plus just living with pain constantly. Plus the fact that an outbreak of perfectionism has had the consequence of Markleford just not writing me anymore. I guess I had things to cry about.

So I did.

And got it over with. Then drew myself a hot bath with sage scented bath salt and lavender bath oil and just soaked until I nearly fell asleep, and as, by then, it was past midnight, it didn't take that long.

Sleep came quickly.

Getting up was hard to do, but I managed, fed Fezzik then actually organized myself enough to come up with breakfast and pack lunch and get myself together and then into the Stoat and off to work. The sky is completely overcast and I'm tempted to go down without my brace just to push the seat forward on the Stoat so that if it does rain the upholstery doesn't get soaked.

John's coming back today. Parts of me feel as grey as the day. Likely because I'm just tired from lack of sleep, but some of it is just realizing that the last big chunk of my life has been eaten up by my leg and all the things that I'm doing to support it.

One bright things has been finding out about the Borderland rave in LA. Something to plan for. Also found out that Diane's brother is living here, and working at Nintendo and that she may be here sometime in September, so that should be fun.

And Raven just wrote a very solid letter that just mended whatever fear I had. So that was a very useful thing for me to have asked him.

© 1998 by Liralen Li.

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