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November 26, 2003
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4:52 pm: I've been so unmotivated today and yesterday. Just completely out of it. I want the vacation. I want the time off, and I'm impatient with everything and everyone having to do with work. I hate everyone and everything. I am depressed as well about my life, where I am, what I'm not doing.

I am not reading. I am not talking to anyone. I am skimming surfaces. I am not writing (when a ton of friends of mine are writing novels for the month of November, and some are getting them published, too, from last year's write). I'm not spinning. I'm not knitting. I'm not weaving. I haven't liked my main work for the last two years, and it's not changing until March. I'm not gaming. I'm not creating anything outside of a committee. I'm only working and taking care of Jet, and while Jet's a very cool kid, it is definitely time for him, not actively for me.

The five hours of the new job are so tantalizing, but so limited, too. It's almost more frustrating than if I couldn't do it at all. I also had my half-year review, and while my boss is really pleased with what I've been doing, I am still... angry about so many things. That may be part of what I can't let myself express.

My brain's also coming up with all kinds of scenarios for the upcoming trip to SD, and I have to just stomp on it. Just enjoy the trip and the visit and let my parents have time and fun and interaction with Jet. They both deserve it.

I'm buying a ton of stuff, too. Just for the hell of it. Sometimes not even very good or smart or worthwhile stuff, either. Just stuff that I, for whatever reason, want at the moment I buy it. It's a normal indicator, for me, that I'm depressed and not thinking about something that I probably really need to think through.

I finally thought about it. I started reading Diplomatic Immunity by Bujold and loved it. I also started planning dinner for tomorrow, talked with Bob about it and they're going to come over tomorrow for dinner and socializing. We haven't seen them since John's parents were last here. As Bob put it, "It's been too long."

It has.

It should be a lot of fun and a ton easier than the luncheon for 200.

I also started a baby blanket for Daniel out of the really thick stuff that should go fast. Mmm... knitting a little each day... I can do this.

The boys were down in the basement this morning when I got up. When I went downstairs, John said, "Good morning."

Then, without looking up from this trucks, Jet said, for the first time ever, "Good morning!" to me.


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