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October 9, 2001
a year ago
two years ago
three years ago
four years ago

A Deer In The Headlights Of Life

9:32 pm: I'm glad today's over. Jet was up three times last night, though I only had to feed him twice. The problem was that I had to get up much earlier than usual because we had to get the Passat off to the body shop before 8 am. So we were out the door at quarter 'til 8 and got there in plenty of time, especially since the guy was late opening up. The good news on all this is that the guy peered at the estimate by the lady and nodded, and knew what to do with it in the long run, so it looks like the payment part is all going to work out. That is very good.

I was pretty exhausted coming back home, and after feeding Jet, John took him off to Joan's and I tried to nap. It didn't work, mostly because I was very aware of how much work I have to get done as soon as possible. The due dates have mostly already gone by and I'm mostly standing on work that was supposed to be done a week or two ago. I could say that it's not my fault. It's the fault of having a single person trying to swallow and digest the work of several hundred people, and trying to coordinate them all, but I'm not sure I'd buy that.

It has been overwhelming me and I've been reacting by just freezing like a deer in the headlights and it's not a useful survival mechanism. I finally broke down today and made a huge list of To Do's in small, tiny steps that I could do and check off within any two hour period that I could work. Some of them are fair chunks of stuff that I have to do, but two hours increments seems to be bites that I can just do while Joan has Jet and if I'd had any luck at getting Jet to nap.

Of course I didn't. I had absolutely no luck today with getting Jet to nap. I didn't even have enough luck to get him to play quietly for that long. He was having a pretty gassy, sad, tired kind of day. After playing the whole time at Joan's, he was pretty tired when he got home, but he refused to go down for a nap. So I jollied him while I toasted some leftover pizza from yesterday for lunch, and when he still wasn't happy, I tried feeding him solids, which he ate readily, but ended up just crying as he had a few burps that just wouldn't come up for a while.

Poor kid. He spent most of the afternoon fussing and kevetching. We even went out for a walk, saw a plane take off, and while he was great during the walk with all the interesting things going on, afterwards he went back to being grumpy every time I set him down and even wiggly and trying to get out of my arms when I was holding him. It was exhausting, and even more so when I nursed him right before my meeting and it looked like he was going to go to sleep, but the minute my meeting actually started I heard him wailing downstairs.

I brought him upstairs, and let him play in the office. He'd play for ten minutes, then sit and wail at me for a while until I picked him up, then he'd fight out of my arms and then play for another ten minutes and repeat the whole cycle. I could barely pay attention to the meeting, and had absolutely no luck getting work of any kind done afterwards.

By 4, I gave up and was looking at OryCon stuff to find the hotel for the three of us and suddenly realized that we'd made our flight reservations for the wrong weekend. I just about died. I wrote John to tell him. Then wrote him to tell him I felt like I wanted to kill Jet. Instead, I took Jet over to the exercise ball and we bounced for a while. Jet settled with the bouncing as the motion seems to settle his gut pretty well. He burped five big burps, and then we played for a while on the office floor, now that I'd given up getting him to nap and given up on work, and when I tickled his feet gently he giggled a lot.

That was good.

He got fussy again, but it sounded like hungry fuss, so I nursed him again, and just as John walked in the door Jet fell asleep. I put him down on the bed in our room and he just stayed asleep this time. I then worked like a madwoman from 5-6. Given that I'd had the hour long meeting and the two hours in the morning, I got my four hours in for the day. Finally.

I was completely trashed when I went downstairs and John started asking me about dinner. I couldn't decide, so I asked to just make the spaghetti and meatballs from yesterday. So that's what we had. The lean turkey meat had mixed well with all the herbs and cheese and dark rye bread and made really tasty and tender meatballs that didn't taste like they were low fat. That was pretty cool. Jet slept through all my working and woke up to watch me cook and John took great care of him.

We all enjoyed dinner together, and then I opened the package from my parents. Trip has absolutely no basis for guilt. Sure enough, the package my Mom and Dad sent had four presents for Jet and absolutely nothing for me.

Okay. I hadn't gotten anything for my dad or for Kathy, yet, this last year, what with everything with Jet; but some part of me had kind of expected the smallest of things for my birthday. I think the really bad part of it is the whole feeling that my mom and dad don't really like me for me so much as the provider of their grandson. Maybe it's the kid-parent thing of the kid expecting the parents to provide even if the kid couldn't. So that's unfair the other way. That just made me kind of sad. So, I finally got my butt in gear, and bought Kathy the gifts I'd been thinking of getting her a while ago. I don't know if I'll do anything more about Dad.

So it is. They had gotten me a card, so they hadn't completely forgotten the way it sounded like in the phone call. So it's not as bad as it felt.

John gave me a hug, and we got info on the present he and his parents had ordered for me. It'll still be a couple weeks, but it's coming. John said that he almost felt like he should take me out to dinner or something, but I really wanted to cook the spaghetti and have the meatballs I'd made, and we enjoyed our dinner so much I was glad I cooked.

Jet had a mildly better evening, because he managed to nap for that hour. But he's really trying everything and trying it all really hard, even when he's already exhausted. He was grabbing, grappling, and playing with everything he could get his hands on and was sacrificing his head and his body in the attempts to get things to play with. There were several loud thuds as he'd hit the floor, the foot stool, and the coffee table with his head. He didn't seem to mind, at first, but later thuds as he got more tired elicited more crying. Poor kid.

The gifts are all very nice gifts of really nice clothing that should stand Jet in good stead this winter. It's all large enough for him and he's finally actually slowing down his growth a little. He was barreling along at a rate a bit faster than a pound a month, and his head is now 18 inches in circumference, which is more the circumference of a toddler than an infant. The usual cutoff is around 16 inches between the two, and Jet's wearing clothing that's labeled 12-18 months, as well as stuff that's 9-12 months, so he's well into that growth curve.

He isn't chubby anymore, his limbs have lengthened; and he's really strong. He's picked up the laundry basket single-handed and stiff armed it up into the air to peer under it. That's lifting something that's significantly larger than he is. He's also starting to stand on his own, his balance is absolutely horrible; but he's getting up on his feet and legs and wobbling around. It's a lot like when he was learning how to sit, the balance isn't there, yet, but I'm sure it'll happen pretty quickly.

Sometimes when he's crawling he'll get up on both feet instead of on his knees, and he'll go around that way. He can pivot better on just his feet, and it's interesting watching him choose that position and nearly go forward with a motion that's very unlike how I've seen other babies crawl. I'm sure it'll eventually end up more conventional, if he doesn't just go straight to walking, but for now he's got his very own evolution of how he's discovered he can get around. It's a bit like watching chaos theory in action, the bits that worked for him he's incorporated and they are different than what any other baby discovered on the way to mobility.

Baby proofing looks to be our next big task. Jet fell asleep just fine. I am hoping that he worked through the gas during the day time, and he'll be okay tonight. I can always hope...

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Copyright 2001 Liralen Li. All Rights Reserved.