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September 28, 1998

Nothing to Do But Jump Over the Moon

Dunno why that line of song is stuck in my head... It's a line of song from the absolutely abominable parody of every bit of performance art anyone has ever hated from Rent. "Nothing to do, nothing to do but jump oooo-ver the moon." But it's stuck in my head as that's how I'm thinking of my life... nothing left to do but the impossible.

Slept really lousy last night. Bad case of mid-life crisis blues. Talked about it with John and just got other things to think about, which wasn't bad. Sure. It's half to be lived, sure it's not like I'm dying any time soon, sure it's like we have so much and so much more to do, and sure we've accomplished a lot compared to some...

Talked with Keely, talked with Charlie, talked with Mark, and found solace of a sort with all of them. Admiration of one's existence is an amazing salve to that line of thought. Mark managed the feat of not answering but getting me to simply not think about it any more. There really isn't an answer to the question of, "Is what I'm doing what I'm supposed to do? What I should do?" Is this the life I was supposed to live? Is this what will make living worth doing? I mean, in a century everything I do and did and wrote and thought and lived will, more likely than not, be nothing but dust. So is what I'm doing, what I'm living, what I'm experiencing worth it anyway?

Only if I enjoy it, I think. Only if I find fulfilment in it anyway.

To burn bright and hot as far as I can go. I may die tomorrow, so it's best to live today. That is a lesson that Rent does convey so very, very well.

I've done the conventional things, even the unconventional things. I've a lovely house, a good marriage, a great job, and fun things to do every day at work. I don't love my work, but I like it, do it well, can breath it and exist in it and find a type of fulfilment in it. I am, sometimes, even passionate about it. But love? I dunno. I have tried many things, from real S&M to an unconventional piercing, to blue hair, from a masters degree in electrical engineering for a woman to fencing and martial arts. I've traveled and done business things, tried to build loving relationships, created dreams and stories and full-custom silicon chips. I write, I read, I paint, I spin and knit and can do most anything I lay my hand on. But some part of my heart aches, thinking that I should have done more, should have somehow affected more people, helped more of those in need, touched more lives for the better.

I still can.

But I'm still relatively unknown, stirring a few close people, touching a few lives that have made the choice to reach out and allow themselves to be touched. I am still relatively unproductive compared to those that create to brighten other lives.

But when does fame equal capability or effectiveness?

McGwire has been a fine example of how fame can reach out to touch lives. But I'm not into that, and way too old for sports anyway.

I should likely stay doing what I'm doing until the company goes public or something and when I have the money to sustain what I want to live on, then do something that I'd love. Something that captures my whole heart. Problem is that, realistically, I'm not that way at all. Much like Jon Singer, I'm a deep lover of many things. No single idea really grabs me and holds me and keeps me forever, I just keep going on to something else cool and fun for now. Though my cycles are usually in the ten year range, they aren't usually long enough for me to be considered that good in the long-scale of things.

My Mark has it even harder, in that way.

Yeah. The main reason for all this internal yapping is the simple fact that I'm turning 35 on Friday, a good time for a mid-life crisis.

Spent most of the day just doing work. Good work, solid work, a few more problems fixed.

Lunch was spent at the blood center. Donating blood again. As usual, they had to spin my blood to find the exact red-cell count and it was a number of points above their minimum, so I'm well into the healthy range. Surprised the heck out of me when I found that my pulse was about 50, and my blood pressure down to 107/70. Nice numbers.

I also bleed fast, so I nearly caught up to John, who hadn't had to wait at all, but had had an appointment five minutes after mine. The lady that had made up the appointments had done it because most ladies take more time.

Between the two of us, we nearly cleaned out their cookies and did finish up a pitcher of tomato juice. The only time I ever drink tomato juice is when I give blood. It seems appropriate. John and I figure that since we were given a life, we should probably give about our body mass in blood and bodily fluids, to give other people lives, too. Seems right, somehow. Just our own weird consciousness at work, I guess. I said that platelets should count for more because they are so much of a pain. He agreed, as pretty much all my blood gets filtered, so that's like a lot of blood.

No. I'm not saying that *you* have to give blood, at all. Just that it's something I wanna do.

Oddly, it made me feel better, and after lunch, I just tore through more stuff. That was very cool. Drank lots of liquids, ate KFC, and basically just coded and watched other people play Fiat. Charlie sure does a great Malakite of Gabriel, he was completely convinced he was going to die, but did a great job of doing what he was supposed to do anyway. That was very cool to see.

Much speculation, afterwards, as to where we would end up.

I think, in the end, it's going to come down to how I spend my minutes. What I do with them, what I decide. I can't just sit and be petrified by fear. There's so little time left to do that. I have to make each day count, and, as Mark put it, no one really has proof for the answer to the question of, "What is each day supposed to count *for*?"

So, we all get to find our own answers, and, for me, it's going to have to make sense for me, proof or not, assurance or not. To simply waffle and do nothing because I have no proof is a betrayal of this life given, I think. To live and love and try, with nothing but faith may be the only way to go and do it.

Raven had this really cool thought. When someone asks him, "Do you believe?" he answers, "Yes." "In what?" "I just believe."

So maybe that's what the trick is. Just believe and no fear, and just do what comes and the rest will just follow as it should.

Even when there's nothing to do but jump over the moon...

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