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August 4, 2000
a year ago
two years ago
three years ago

Wrecks and Diagnosis

A day or two ago Kathy asked me if I was a nervous wreck yet over the jacket, as Starling and I are on top of the heap at the moment. I said that I wasn't, as I was pretty sure that we'd get outbid, so I didn't much care anymore. I'd done what I could. But today it's still at the point where it was back then and now I'm starting to feel really nervous.

I don't know why. I mean, I'd be happy to keep the money if we lose it, now. I'd also be happy to make off with it if we do win it. Something utterly unique. Still. It's always the uncertainty that's killed me. I like knowing, even if it's bad news or endings, I like knowing rather than just having it be suspended. Augh!! It was interesting having the conversation with a friend about some medical stuff, and realizing that eventhough knowing that Fezzik might be dying of cancer was an awful thing, I felt a bit more comfort simply knowing that it was possible and where the state of that might be. Sure, it's awful to know that he could be dying, but it would have been worse seeing him slow down and lose his capabilities without knowing what was going on and not at least take the chance to improve his condition. I think I'd likely be that way about myself, too, oddly enough. I think I'd rather know that I was dying of something specific than to just have symptoms unknown and wonder. I'll probably regret writing that some day. Anyway. It's something amusing to just be all atwitter about what is just a thing. Funnier yet when I'm really ambivalent about the outcome as parts of me would be ecstatic if we lost it and parts would be just awed if we won it.

Mostly just a quiet day doing things. Geoff's working off line as he needs to get things done, just another few more days of stuff, and he'll, hopefully, be done with this stage of things and the more frantic bits. I do miss him, but not badly. I'm getting stuff done, which is usually a good indicator as to whether or not I'm stable.

John went off to see Hollow Man with a bunch of folks from work, which was cool, as I had no intensions of seeing it and he thought it'd be fun with others. I had plenty to work with and when I ran out it was a good, mindless time with Angband, which was much fun. He had a fun time with everyone, didn't much like the movie, but enjoyed the affects.

The evening was a little weird. Sunday I did really well on the walk, Fezzik hadn't done quite so well. His rear legs gave on on the way down the mountain, again, but with rest he was actually able to make it all the way down. I didn't really think all that much about it, as he usually has a harder time when he skips a week. But then on Tuesday evening, John and I went for a little walk with Fezzik. A kind of mini-walk, just a block or three, not very far and not very strenuous, but during that little walk Fezzik was having problems with his hind, left foot. He wasn't limping as if something hurt, rather it was like he was turning his foot wrong with every step, not quite getting it placed in front of where it had been. He kept dragging it a little and then it would turn in and he'd stumble a little.

It worried me a little, but I knew we were seeing the vet today, as he was having one of his maintenance doses today. So we took him in and when the vet put Fezzik up on his hind toes, he took a little while getting his right foot right, but he had real troubles getting his left foot in the right position. Which is not really good news. Means that he really doesn't know where his left foot really is, which might indicate some nerve damage somewhere along the way. Or nerves being pinched by something.

The vet noticed that the lymph node in his left leg was swollen, which indicated to him that it might well be an aspect of the lymphoma; however, he didn't rule out that there might be other cancers afoot as well that might be growing something that was blocking a portion of Fezzik's spine. Either case, it's not a terribly good diagnosis.

I kinda hope that Fezzik will keep being happy through to his birthday. He's just as cheerful as ever, though slowing down and aging rapidly, he seems to be happy enough and enjoying his days. Then again, what dog actually complains?

We took him to the Dairy Queen right by the Safeway on the way home and had one little girl notice John feeding Fezzik his ice cream cone. She said, "That's silly!!" but giggled as she said it as Fezzik was enjoying his cone so completely. Focusing on the moment, he wolfed it down with his usual concentration.

We got a few dinner things and a gallon of milk so that I could experiment a little tomorrow and make a ricotta-based, and therefore less fat based, cheese cake. I had been craving garlic bread all day, so we got the makings for that and we had spaghetti and bottled sauce with fresh grated Parmesan and garlic bread. I carefully prepared the garlic bread by mashing garlic powder into a lump of good butter and then adding an equal volume of grated Parmesan-regiano and then spreading the resultant mass on tender white Safeway Italian style bread. Then setting it under the broiler of the toaster oven until the cheese had melted and the butter browned to a perfect crisp. John did a very good job on the spaghetti and the combination was what I'd been craving all day. Yay!

I sat down with Fezzik after dinner and just petted him and hugged him and made much of him and he enjoyed the attention and the extra contact and kept nosing me for more whenever I stopped. He's been such a big part of our lives, it's going to be hard when he's gone. For now, he's happy and willing to deal with his hind legs that don't quite do what he wants them to do, but seem to do well enough for him to run around barking at things. So it's good enough for now.

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