previous next index

January 11, 2002
a year ago
two years ago
three years ago
four years ago

Trying To Avoid Blahsville

8:19 pm: A kind of blah day, for me. I just wasn't into it. I just didn't have much motivation or anything, and I don't really know why. Some of it might have been lack of sleep as Jet got up for two hours a bit before five. He had bad gas. So he had a reason to be up, but it didn't make the lack of sleep feel any better.

Jet was kind of crabby on and off, with the same lack of sleep. He ate a lot, though, whenever we fed him solids. He just ate and ate and liked playing with his spoon. He did nap for an hour, but he got up twice during the nap and we had to bounce him back to sleep.

I got work in and around him. I have so many things to do and Boss Bill added another big thing and reminded me of something else that I said I could do and he needed it soon. So I was scrambling. It didn't feel that good to do that.

Lunch was with John and Jet. I just ate the leftovers from last night. John had enchilada casserole and Jet had another jar of food and a bunch of crackers. Dinner was thawed pork chops from the freezer downstairs, leftover black beans and rice, and I experimented and made some creamed spinach. We had a bag of frozen spinach, and I thawed/cooked half of it in the microwave. I made some bechamel, seasoned it with salt, pepper, and a big of nutmeg and then stirred all the spinach in. It was good.

I'd always liked the creamed spinach at Boston Market. I always got it because I couldn't make it. I think they make theirs with more 'cream', but I liked mine, this time. I'm glad I tried making it. I have something that I could eat in a pinch, and it isn't overcooked, which is very nice, there was no heat table bitterness.

So that was a small triumph.

Sometimes I think that one of my trigger points with a depression is when I start to not care about meals anymore. For most of the last week or even the last two, John's had to cook a lot of dinners and I should be aware of my moods when that happens. It means I'm starting to not care about something that is usually pretty important to me. I had one friend who realized that she was going into a depressive mood when she found herself neglecting her bills. Simply being aware of the trigger point was important, and since then I've been wondering what mine are. I think this is one of them.

Jet's happy on and off, too. He's smiling and playing and while he was sitting in front of me, he would throw himself backwards every once in a while so he could land on me. I'm not quite sure where he got that habit, but he liked being upside-down, and he was really happy with being caught now and again. He's really happy right now chasing John around. That's been really good.

It's also Friday. Yay!

I'm a little blah about the weekend, no real plans and no real goals. I should probably figure some out.

Heh. John took Jet's clothing off to put him into his sleeper and night diaper. One of the articles about treating diaper rash said that it's good to let the baby run around without a diaper for a while, so we just did that. Jet had a blast. He crawls much faster without a diaper than he does with one. He was just bombing around happily, crawling everywhere and on anything. He didn't have an accident on anything, and just really loved being able to move without the hampering diaper on. It was really fun to see him so happy.

10:43 pm: Just sat and put away loose photographs of the past year. Kathy had given me a small photo album and along with the other album that I'd been keeping since I'd gotten pregnant (it has the picture of the pregnancy test stick! ), it held pretty much all the loose photos we'd been given, the ones we have no negatives for and couldn't recreate or reprint ourselves. They're the photos I wanted to keep safe, so the present came in very handy for that.

It finally hit me that it has been a full year, just about, since Jet came into our lives. That amazes me and saddens me as well. I never will get another chance to get a six month portrait, I will never see him playing contentedly on his back again. He won't ever be that small again. It's very clear that all that time is now irrevocably gone. It's not bad or good, just... it just is.

I don't regret any of it. Fezzik taught us well those last few months of his life. I don't know if I would have gone part-time without that experience. I really needed reminding why I need to spend time with and for Jet and myself rather than feeling guilty about how much work I need to do. Now I'm even more glad that I tried to spend the time I have with him, and I want to remember that I wanted to get into being here with him. These days will be gone soon as well.

[ Previous | Next | Index | Mail ]

Copyright 2002 Liralen Li. All Rights Reserved.