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July 26, 2001
two years ago
three years ago

Grumpy Night

8:39 pm: The cicadas are droning in the tree just outside the kitchen. It's so loud, and they just suddenly appeared last night, droning on like a beginning bagpipe player who doesn't know how to do anything but play one note on one drone. Still learning how to do the circular breathing to keep the bag inflated, the drone of this insect cycles over and over and over again.

We even had to turn the TV up a bit to hear it over them. That's pretty loud.

We had a good, quiet evening. We went to Diary Queen and Safeway. The Diary Queen was for the same reasons I got chocolate chocolate covered donuts this morning. They're, as John puts it, high octane Mommy fuel. And I really needed it after a really weird night.

I was stupid last night, and I got caught up in a book the way I used to get caught up when I could still afford the loss of sleep. And I didn't look up until I heard John coming down from the office. It was already 11. Bad, bad, bad. I was really angry, to start, at just going to sleep so late when I was in some debt from the night before. The problem is that my bed time ritual now not only includes the usual tooth brushing, contact lens cleaning, and the like, but I also have to pump my breasts in case Jet wakes up sometime after 3 am.

Of course, every time I've pumped, I think he' gotten up well earlier. So I don't know if there's a correlation there or not.

Anyway... I was mad at being stupid, and got even more upset when John said the unfortunate words, "well you *chose* to feed him last night" and I thought to myself, who gave me a choice last night? I was so mad because I had time to stew while I was pumping and when I saw John I pretty much picked a fight. He didn't take me up on it, apologized for his wording because he could see it was upsetting me more and promised to feed Jet at the first feeding.

And so he did when Jet got up at 12:30. Of course, that did mean that eventhough I pumped at 11, I woke up at 3:30 aching a bit and Jet didn't make a peep. I then woke up again at 4:40 and decided that I really needed to pump. John said he'd take care of Jet when I told him what I was going to do. Of course, Jet woke up at 4:45 and proceeded to cry for the next five minutes and I didn't hear a peep from John. I then yelled for John, twice, and nothing.

I took the pumping apparatus off, and went and yelled at John. I am not happy that I did that, but I was also feeling really betrayed that he'd said that he'd help Jet and he just *slept* through the crying. And I guess it's not a conscious thing, or something, but he just hadn't gotten up. He usually does, and John's usually really great about helping at night, but this one time he really wasn't and what burned me the most was that just five minutes ago, I'd talked with him about it. Also, I really felt mad, and maybe even afraid that John would never get up if I called for him. That John had abandoned me.

John, once woken, did take care of Jet. Not only did he feed him, but when Jet looked like he wasn't going to go back to sleep, John just stayed up with him. The two of them even went out to get me chocolate donuts to make up for it all. High octane Momma fuel.

Since all that Jet's been in a great mood all day. I got my time in while he was at Joan's and she put him to sleep just before he got picked up by me, so we went home and napped for a little bit before I had to feed him, and then we both went down for another half hour nap before we woke up and I got to work for a while as Jet played cheerfully on the floor and in his recliner.

At 2, the maids came and I fed Jet and we played and worked while they cleaned. One of the maids had fun getting Jet to smile. She would just speak to him in Spanish, with the usual adult to baby voice. Jet started out really solemn, but then after one really cool set of sounds, he suddenly gave a wiggle and a huge smile to her, grinning from the eyes as well as his mouth. That was pretty cool.

Jet's a very good flirt. He's really great at getting someone to interact with him using positive influences. I'm really glad of that. I'd like to keep enforcing the fact that he can get responses and attention when he's 'good' or when he's just using positive expressions.

That's really fun.

John came home soon after the maids were here, and since Jet started protesting mildly, I fed him while John reheated pot roast for dinner. Jet fell asleep while eating, so we packed him into his car seat, and then ate. When we were done, we went on our little errand. There's a group party with John's bigger organization tomorrow and it's potluck appetizers, so we needed a few ingredients to make some artichoke heart dip.

It was a beautiful evening to be out. It was only 82, so it was far cooler than the mid or high 90's it's been in the last few months. The sky was clear and bright just above us and huge clouds were forming in all directions from us. Fluffy white thunderheads to the south, long stretches of dark clouds to the north and west, and lightning streaked blackness to the east. But right where we were it was clear blue.

I just got a simple hot fudge sundae and John got a chocolate dipped cone and we sat outside of the shop eating them while Jet slept peacefully in his seat. We watched the sun get swallowed by storm clouds, and it gilded the edges with pure gold as it sank beneath the darkness. The light from the sun still lit the sky above us and the tops of all the thunderheads. That was really beautiful.

The minute we hit the air conditioned interior of the Safeway, Jet opened his eyes, peer at us quietly and then at everything around us. Then he started playing. He was laughing and wiggling and playing peekaboo with his blanket and all kinds of stuff, He was squeaking and chuckling and laughing at John playing with him and he reached for all the colorful things we held out for him to look at. All three of us had a blast in the grocery store.

Originally we were only there to stock up on the appetizer elements, but we picked up a lot of other stuff as well. John weighed Jet in the produce area, and he was 17 lbs. 12 oz with the blanket, and 17 lbs. 4 oz without. So I definitely think Jet's over 17 pounds now and definitely not gaining as much nearly as quickly as when he was just 3 months old.

Jet was really happy through the whole thing, and even in the checkout line he was playing and carrying on cheerfully. The lady bagging the groceries, craned her neck to see him, so I pushed him forward a bit and when he saw her, he got really quiet at first, but when she smiled at him, he smiled back and gave her his wiggle. She grinned at that, and that was really cool. Jet loved the lights overhead, too, he just stared and stared at them as we walked under them.

On the way out, towards the liquor store, where John could buy some real beer, we saw the lady that had commented on me when I was pregnant and whom had played with Jet a little when he was only a couple weeks old. This time when she saw him, they had a good long conversation with each other, and he got to grin and grin at her a lot as she played with his feet. He loved it, and they entertained each other really well while John bought beer.

Home again, home again, jigadejig. It was nice to be home again, and we unpacked everything and then John fed Jet potatoes. Potatoes is the first thing Jet has ever actually spit out. Every other vegetable and fruit Jet has eaten, if mildly reluctantly when it came to the green beans, but he's eaten them all. Plain potatoes he actually not only made his face as he does with every new thing, he actually just spit them out. Right out. John finally resorted to dipping each spoon of potatoes in bananas and Jet slurped that up very happily.

That was pretty funny.

I also talked with John a lot about last night and what we could do and what emotional stuff had gone on with me last night. It was good to have him just listen, even if he didn't have stuff that was anything equivalent. He said that he remembered as a kid climbing into his parents' bed when there was lightning and thunder outside, because that had been rare and scary in Seattle. He also remembered his dad comforting him when he was upset one night, maybe it was more, but he definitely remembered that night.

I think I want Jet to have those kinds of memories.

Sometimes I think that my writing in a journal is something like other people biting their nails. Or maybe not. I mean, I need to get words around my emotions and feelings before they're 'real'. Something and somewhere to get them out and know that I'm feeling them rather than denying them. Into a form where I can actually examine them rather than just be helpless in the midst of just feeling them and not knowing the cause, the effect, or what it is that I can do about them. So I can look at them and see if logic or emotional help apply, and try to get a handle on what I want out of them.

I'm glad I write.

I'm glad that I really figured out that a lot of the rage was from the fear that John wouldn't ever hear me again when I yelled for help. Getting to that point made me less afraid and, therefore, less mad. I know that John will do what he can to help; and that, logically, what he couldn't do was wake up from the noise the monitor made. We'll just have to move it closer to him at night. That's something positive that can be done by the both of us.

It helped me to talk with John about it, too, once I had my thoughts composed somewhere, anywhere. So that was a big help as well.

Now it's cool, dark outside, and time to go to sleep. I did finish The Stars Dispose today, reading it while Jet nursed all day, and it was really good. I loved the details of the cooking of the period, and the characters were very interesting as well. There were a good number of despicable characters as well, and I was reminded that I really don't like despicable characters, even if their dispicability is a part of what they are. Some bits of it just left a bad taste in my mouth. The good folks, though, rather made up for it all. So I enjoyed it overall and am cheerfully reading the second book as well.

It's an interesting escape.

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