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July 27, 1999
a year ago

Chocolate Cake!

A day. I think I'm losing my handle on my days, again.

Just letting them slide through my fingers, chaotic and unappreciated. Unplanned and without a goal or a reason or a real thought as to what I really want to spend the precious moments on.

Odd day. Though I did manage to get out and go with Cary and Jenny to eat good food at Juan's, though it did kinda blow any concept of exercise. I wasn't really in the mood anyway.

We also stayed late at work, in part because John had stuff to do and, in part, because there was a Charlie present in the Nutshell, where we play Fiat. It was good to talk with him and really feel close in some ways. Everyone liked seeing him. So that was good.

Cera and I talked some, and it was just comforting, all together.

But since we'd stayed late, my body was doing the usual "I'm really incoherently unhappy" thing and my brain couldn't figure out how to decide anything. So I mostly put it up to John and he figured out a close Abbo's we'd seen the other day in the mall, and we went there for something quick, hot and good.

It was raining outside. Thick, cool rain, so much of it there were puddles on the blacktop. Splash splash splash.

That was very nice. Pizza was very nice, and on the way home, John noted that I was in a lousy mood, so he said that I should play Parasite Eve and since I had been chanting about chocolate cake for a few days, that he'd actually make me one from scratch.

He did, too.

While I struggled up floors 21-30 he meandered about the kitchen, occassionally asking me where things were. It was a little bit like when I wander into the garage, or when I was doing the bike stuff, I had to ask him where everything was, and he had to ask about baking soda and cream of tarter. That was kinda cool to think through. That he was willing to go into unfamiliar territory to do something that I really wanted.

And after I couldn't figure out what weapons to update, I finally gave up and got up and John gave me warm chocolate cake! Mmmmm... no frosting, I don't like frosting. But it was lovely, rich and thick and real chocolate through it and it was marvelous. It really settled me and steadied me, I think as much because he went to all the effort to do something that I realy, truly wanted and wanted a lot and actually figured it out and did it without my having to throw a tantrum or anything that helped. And that he did it thoughtfully and with many reassurances as to what I ought to be doing while he worked it through.

That was very, nice, and it was a feeling that I could hug to myself. John made a chocolate cake for *me*.

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