previous next index

November 7, 2002
a year ago
two years ago
three years ago
five years ago

Grumpy Me

I'm not sure what I want to capture for today. I'm in an awful mood. I think it's just PMS, but there's an old malaise lying at the back of my head.

Jet's doing well, today. He's napping, he's not sleeping as well as we'd like a night, getting up a lot, still, but his teeth are getting pretty sharp under his gums again, the eye teeth are nearly white under the gums, so it kind of explains his easy ability to wake up a lot. He's also got mild gas, and anti-gas drops seem to help. The usual thing.

He's also doing his puzzles in nearly no time, and he had ramen for dinner while John and I had ramen for dinner as well. He ate quite a lot of his noodles, slurping them up with gusto, and then he sat in my lap and drank my soup and stole a few more noodles. He refuses to eat the vegetables or meat, but he'll eat noodles like a fiend.

He's also gotten this new habit of having a bowel movement on the way home from Joan's. I have been changing him, pretty regularly, as soon as he gets home, as he's been getting wet at that time, even if Joan's changed him only half an hour ago. With the cotton diapers, I really have to change him as soon as he gets wet or he gets diaper rash in a bad way with the dry conditions around here, if he soaks for a while in anything his skin gets really unhappy. So I've had that habit, change him when he gets home, nurse him, let him nap, and then change him again when he wakes up. It worked well today and he didn't get any worse with stuff. I was glad of that.

My depression stems from the whole writing thing, I think. I am capable of writing a novel. I know that. Bob, yesterday, asked me when I was going to do it. I have so little motivation to make the time to do so. I don't want to sit in front of the computer any more than I have to, on the most part, in addition to my work. So it's hard to think about spending 'free' time on working when I really want to be playing with Jet or whatever.

But, on the other hand, there's the whole feeling that simply doing it, in and of itself, would be fun and enjoyable. That I shouldn't be writing from guilt, duty, or the feeling that I really 'should' be doing it. I need to write because I need to write. Doing it, like making tea or cooking a meal, and having the act be the meaning for the act. That is where I want to be if I do write.

Gong-fu, where the practice is the thing, not some step towards a mythical perfection. The practice is worthy in and of itself. With calligraphy, cooking, tea, working, and even with writing. Like the kung-fu butcher who never had to sharpen his knives because he knew so well how to cut that he never hit something that would dull his steel. It took a lifetime of practice to get there. I have been doing the practice of capturing specifics of each day for five years, and I'm getting where I can be efficient at it, and even good at it, sometimes, but there's something in me that wants more from all this work.

I'm sure I've already gotten it, in some sense. The doing has been pretty cool in and of itself. I'll just have to see if there is any improvement in any part of my fiction writing to accompany my capturing of reality.

We'll have to see.

I had a weird day, all in all, and had a hard time of it, emotionally. I'm just not motivated to do much of anything. The ramen, though, was good, with the chao shao I made myself. Tasty. I got a little work done. I took care of Jet, and had some fun with that. I got to see the tiger episode of "Jackie Chan Adventures". I got to sit in the sunshine for a while.

I also took a bath before going to bed. The first one for quite some time. I needed it as I still smelled, faintly, of chlorine from last night's swim, and I wanted to soak that out of my skin. I used the Origin's ginger mousse and it smelled and felt wonderful. I also decided that I might as well go with the theme and took a bottle of sharp ginger beer that I'd bought at Cost Plus into my bath with me, and it was good, cold, and delicious.

My teeth felt the cold, but didn't ache nearly as badly as they have in the past. My bite is still moving around like crazy, and I felt a high spot for part of the day, but it went away, so I think things are still just moving around. It's better than when I had the high spot, but I'm still getting aches, pains, and sometimes sore teeth, but it comes and goes instead of being constant.

I think I'm just going to have to give it some more time and see what things settle down as, and then deal with whatever is clearly a problem. Right now, it's as muddy as the rest of my emotional life.

My real life is going just fine, though. Jet and John are doing well, so far as I know, and my work, house, and finances are just fine. The concrete stuff seems to be the 'easy' thing right now. It's the wishy-washy dream/hope stuff that's getting all kicked around.

[ Previous | Next | Index | Mail ]

Copyright 2002 Liralen Li. All Rights Reserved.