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November 12, 1999
a year ago
also a year ago
two years ago

Pits of Confusion

Friday. I'm starting to climb out of the slow pits of despair, I think. Getting my brain slowly back together and saying, "A step is enough, a step is enough. I don't have to do the whole thing, and a step is enough. I can't change the past, I can only do what I can do now."

Argent always said it best, "Here and now is the only fulcrum you have for affecting the future."

Damned powerful, too, it seems.

Feel like a self-motivation class or whatever. Why this stigma over making yourself better through mantras/prayer/small, hackneyed and very, very obvious sayings? Just because it's cliche doesn't mean it isn't true. Regurgitation of old thought, perhaps. Ugly and free-flowing. Innards to the outward eye. Awkward to show so much of what one wants the brain to do.

It really is a gorgeous day. I really did get something done, and I really enjoyed the doing. Not as much as I really wanted to do, but more than I thought I would do, given the last week. Some of it wasn't even work related, but I at least figured it out and did it. Everything from mailing a check to maintain my eskimo account to talking with Bob about some things that he'd done to enable some of the coding that I wanted to do. I even brought in a bunch of Asian calligraphy things to show and share with Jennifer; but I never really got around to going over to her cubicle to talk with her about it.

It's so odd to feel so busy yet do so little coding in a day. I have this really bad dicotomy in my brain that says that only coding is 'real work'. Usability studies, writing specifications, changing documents so that others can keep up with me, and the like all don't seem to count in my emotional tally of 'what have I done lately'? Which is wrong. I should count those. They are work and they are time and effort and necessary to get everything else to work.

But only my coding time was ever really scheduled. And it's beating me over the brain with cluebyfours of doubt. Is it really necessary? Is it really what has to be done? Will this actually make a difference? Bah. I hate angst. I am, however, getting overwhelmed with my own doubts and confusion. Life.

So we went to Whole Foods after work and got chickens and brought them home and cooked them for John and Johanna and the four of us feasted on one of the roasted birds. We then just sat and talked for a while but then went, pretty quickly, to sleep and bed. John and I haven't had enough sleep for weeks, they were just getting used to the high altitude and needed the sleep to do it. Enough to have adventure tomorrow.

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