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December 12, 2001
a year ago
two years ago
four years ago

One Layer Peeled Away

8:08 pm: It worked. The steady treatments have really cleared up the problems on Jet's skin, and he only woke up twice instead of four times. The thing is we got to experience some of the secondary reasons Jet was getting up. The one really cool thing about always getting up to take care of Jet when he wakes up is that it gives us the opportunity to figure out why he's waking up and not going back to sleep. There are always reasons.

We found out that, yes, indeed, his separation anxiety that he shows during the day is also something that affects his night time behavior. He didn't want me to leave, and whenever I put him down, like when I put him down into his car seat after holding him a bit while talking with Joan while picking him up, he'd wake up and cry. The only solution was to give him to John and let John put him to sleep after he got over the anxiety in John's arms. Then he could just go to sleep and stay there.

We also found that, yes, his nose is still stuffing itself up and when he can't breath through his nose he does wake up. Jet can breath through his mouth, but he always tries breathing through his nose as much as possible. It's always pretty hard to clear his nose out, but when it's so completely productive it was pretty obvious. There was a lot to pull out and when we were done, he went right back to sleep. That was pretty cool.

So we didn't get all the sleep we might have. John stayed home while I went in. Jet went to Joan's. I had my meetings, and then I had my one on one, and got to say, "I can't do that." to my boss.

Wow.

So, I've been feeling overloaded. I've been working my butt off and I'm falling behind. I basically was able to tell my boss that, yes, I am behind. I'm not going to be able to catch up when nearly half my time is spent in standing meetings where I don't really get anything done. I'd told him in other forms before this, but mostly I think he took it just as a complaint about not liking meetings, and he's mostly just wrote it off because his meeting schedule is even worse than mine; but he actually gets stuff done during nearly all of his meetings.

When he wrote down all my meetings, we found that I had eight hours' worth of standing meetings plus whatever meetings magically come up whenever something needs to be figured out. Which has meant that I've had half to three quarters of my time in meetings. So all the things he was asking me to do had to be done by, basically, someone working only a quarter time. This job really should be a full time job.

That kind of gave him pause, but he really did get it. I wasn't defensive, and I was really proud of the fact that I didn't get angry and the only time I was afraid at all was only well afterwards, when I got home. It was only an emotional reaction, too, when I was home. The logical thing was that it was good to be able to tell him that I was overloaded because otherwise there was going to be something dropped. So it was good, I think.

There is someone that we're thinking of doing, full-time, the parts of both my boss' job and some of what he's thinking that I should be doing. But we don't know if they're doing to accept the change in work, yet. I'll have to just hope and keep working away at what I can.

It was good to get home to Jet and give him a hug. He was very glad to see me, and nursed happily and then napped after nursing, long enough for me to eat and have a meeting before waking up. I then fed him solids, and played with him until John was done with what he was doing, and then I got the last of my time in. That was a good tradeoff.

I made salmon chowder while John napped, and Jet played, sometimes clinging to my leg, sometimes wandering wide and long. He would go away to look at cool stuff and play with things under the changing table, and then eventually come back to me to hang onto me for a while to recharge and then go off again. It was pretty familiar, and it worked out really well. He pretty much kept within my sight all the time, so I could always see what he was doing. That worked out really nicely.

The chowder was really yummy. Sweat carrots, celery, onion and garlic, then add chicken stock and diced potato. Simmer it all for twenty minutes, then add flaked, canned salmon, canned creamed corn, and milk. When it's all heated through, thicken with a little with corn starch or a pre-cooked roux and it is creamy in mouth feel, salmony, and filled with nicely cooked chunks of vegetables. It was really nice with some bread and some Ritz crackers.

It's very nice to have hot soup on a cold day. This morning it was actually snowing when I went to work. Just the really light, super dry snow of a super cold day. It was blowing in a thin sheet over the road, and while I was driving I had to keep dragging my attention away from the whirling patterns of turbulence behind the car in front of me. The snow was being picked up by the waves of air and making them visible as they spread from the wake of the car. It was gorgeous.

I want to find one really cool thing each day and write about it, much as I did at the start of this journal, when digging out of a depression. I don't want to decide that Colorado sucks and that I don't like living when I live here. There are so many things here to like I may as well find them and make sure I know that I like them and be aware of them.

I think that, also, being aware of certain things has just made it all the more clear to me that I can do things, that I can do something about any situation I don't like. When I can't do something, as Jet's taught me and Carl's reminded me, there are people that I can talk to and with their help I can do something, too. I have very keen and capable friends (yes, that means you, too, Trip) and that's part and parcel to being able to do something. I just have to remember that. Like actually talking with my boss about where my situation really is, and about what I can't get done for concrete reasons. If I hadn't told him there wouldn't have been anything he could do. Now that he knows there's some possibility. I'm glad I did it eventhough it was scary in some ways. It was good in others, especially since I don't really have a specific solution in mind, by giving him just the problem we have several ways we can figure something that'll work out.

I'm firmly convinced that perfectionism is the root of much evil. Someone once said that the positive side of it was 'that sense of getting it right when it is right.' Thing is it's so much better when I don't care if it's right or not so much as if it works for everyone involved. Then it doesn't have to be *MY* solution that's 'Right' for it to feel good. It doesn't have to be perfect. It can cost so much less in time and effort and worry. It can be shared. It can be done multiple ways in less time and with less fear of getting it wrong.

My perfectionism kills off any attempt at anything that might fail, rather than trying and playing and laughing and simply creating and enjoying the action instead of the only being able to appreciate a result. The whole of the process is much longer than the feeling simply at the resolution. A project that is complained about, sworn at, kicked, cried over, and only celebrated at the end is far more draining than one that is celebrated from the beginning.

John hasn't a perfectionist bone in his body and he loves what he does and he really enjoys the whole process of creation. Everything about it interests him, the discovery of the problem, making things better for everyone even if what's done isn't how he'd do it, and getting things done. That's what I think of as the real joy of creation, rather than the rush of being right. So I have a very clear model of what I want to be in the long run.

I like that. I'm getting, gradually, more like that. I think that when I'm at the point where I can do the Write A Novel In A Month thing, I'll have gotten where I really want to be. Hee. Write in a month, edit for a year... that'll be about right. But getting where that critical inner voice just doesn't have a chance anymore would just be really, really fun and nice.

Heh. Sumo wrestling and bull riding, that's my TV for the night. Jet went to sleep easily, so it's time for me to slip off as well. I did manage to get a flu shot today, and I don't seem the worst for it. My illness seems to have just gone away, so I thought it was safe enough. Folks at work were glad to see me. Bill half thought about having me give up his staff meeting, but it's the only time when I get to see people, and he really needs for my 1:1 to be face to face. He's the type of person that can't do that kind of meeting over the phone. So I think we'll leave it for now. There are plenty of others to trim.

Heh, and I'm getting the fruit cake episode of Good Eats. I love the recipe. I can't believe I don't have that show recorded, so I'm making sure I have it, now. Yay!

Jet ate so much today, it's still astonishing me a little. In just about a week he went from eating, maybe, half a jar to a jar per meal to eating two jars a meal, that's going from 2 to 4 ounces to nearly 8 per meal, so that's 6 to 12 going to 24 ounces per day of food. We're going to half to stock up tomorrow, and start processing some of our adult food into baby food at a higher rate. I guess the blender's going to get a workout.

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Copyright 2001 Liralen Li. All Rights Reserved.