My feelings of inadequecy are all back again. Jet went back onto his every two hour schedule and by late afternoon I was feeding him for an hour straight and still getting protests when he came off. So I made him some forumla after throwing out the previous batch that had gone past its 48 hour limit.
I don't feel guilty about giving it to him after an hour long feeding, as I was, obviously, not going to be making any more. I also only gave him an ounce and a half so that he wouldn't just fall asleep, as we need him awake during the evening. But he was grumpy for a while afterwards and I got lots of comments about how hungry he must be. That wasn't well recieved, but I didn't bite anyone. After a little while with the binky he quieted and was pretty content.
So it just took a little while for him to figure out that he wasn't really hungry anymore. Maybe not completely stuffed, but not hungry. So I felt better than the words. It helped a little while later that when no one else could get him to quiet, I could.
He has been really good all day. Especially this morning. He was happy and content after the first several feedings and only fussy with a few diapers. He didn't have much gas, only a single period in the early afternoon of about fifteen minutes. Quite handleable.
His head is bigger, squarer and he's filling out all over. He's still tiny compared to other babies we meet when we're out, but he's strong for his size and, best of all, he's basically a happy guy. When things are pretty much okay, he's happy and content. He bounces from all the little stuff with no problem. It's very good to learn from.
Babies aren't perfectionists and don't comment on wrong details so long as the general things are good. Life is reduced to such simple terms. Clean, dry, warm, not hungry, and enough sleep. Babies are so cool because they nap and don't think that something is more important than getting enough sleep.
Secretly, I think that the neatest thing is Jet's breath. It's milky and sweet and mild. No adult could ever have breath like his and when he's asleep it's nearly perfect. He's breathing a lot better now than when he was a newborn in the hospital. In the hospital his breathing would come in spurts, jagged and irregular. His breathing is a lot more regular now, fast panting when he's in pain from gas, deep and slow when he's sleeping, and filled with querying squeaks and sighs and moans when he's on the edge of sleep or about to wake up.
I'm all twisted wrong by the assumption that my breast milk should be enough for him. That something is wrong with me if I don't provide every drop he needs. That a single ounce is something that I should lament giving him formula for. One lady had written me to tell me that she'd pumped entire bottles of milk and was then dismayed when her baby drank off her to the point where she couldn't pump anything afterwards. I think she was trying to make me feel good about not pumping much of anything after Jet had eaten, but I don't have the evidence of ever being able to pump entire bottles of milk. If I could, I'd be happy to find that he'd drunk all that happily. So, instead, I just feel inadequate for never having been able to pump 'bottles' of milk.
Joan helped when she told me that she was really happy for having pumped 3 ounces at a sitting. That's something realistically within reach, now.
Admittedly, it doesn't help that I feel like I'm on the edge of a cold, again. So I feel lousy as well as depressed and upset that just because I took a little time for myself the other evening that I'm going to pay with my health, again.
I hope John gets home soon. He manages to make things feel better, usually. When we talk it through, I get some kind of optimistic view. The other disappointment of the day was that we ordered dinner from China Gourmet and they accidentally gave it to someone else. So when he got there they had to make it all again.
He was lucky to find Bob, Mei and Andrew there. So he's getting to talk with them for a while as he waits for our food.
Jet's sitting with his grandparents, now, happy as can be and he's actually watching the television. All the changing lights and edges and colors seem to fascinate him. That's kind of disturbing and kind of cool. He got a bit of gas with the formula, it seems and is crying with that until the gas gets out.
Hopefully, the doctor really was right and this will be mostly done with by the end of his second month. We'll still have to burp him and all that, but hopefully his digestive tract will be better about getting rid of them.
Ironically, I'm dripping again.
Then again, that might mean that the increased demand is stepping production up again. I can always hope. All the breastfeeding books and people say that the supply and demand thing is a wonderful thing, and all I seem to find it to be is a painful thing, where I'm inadequate for a while and Jet has to go hungry and angry for a while just so I can get to a barely adequate supply that he then out grows again and he has to go hungry again. Especially if I followed the advice in the books that said that we shouldn't suppliment at all.
Of course, they're the same books that say that one should wake up the baby every two hours for a 24 hour or 48! hour period and feed them that whole time; that a woman doing breast feeding should eat five meals a day from food she grows in her own garden; and that one should have the baby in bed with you at night so you can nurse them. What about changing them? I imagine that the only way the feeding in bed would gain the parents sleep would be if the parents had put the kid in one of those infinitely absorbing diapers so they wouldn't have to change the kid. We actually change Jet more often than we feed him at night.
To look a bit outside just my own single track of finding something for me to be inadequate about... today I saw him track the really bright bee toy from one side of the bassinet to the other. Isabel moved it from one side to the other and Jet actually turned his head and his eyes followed it across. That was a first and really cool to see.
He's also showing, more and more frequently a characteristic of his mother's that most folks might recognize. Whenever he's really tired, he really fights, hard, to stay awake so long as there's something interesting going on. He'll even start crying just to stay awake so long as there are things happening around him. He did, however, luckily, get his Dad's ability to sleep like a stone the moment he does go to sleep. So long as we can get him to actually relax and fall asleep for a while, he'll stay that way almost no matter what goes on. That is very useful indeed.
The other sad thing is that George and Isabel's car needs parts that have to be ordered and their insurance was a bit slow off the start, so they're definitely staying past today. It's looking like it won't be until the beginning or even middle of next week before things get settled, the parts are here and things get fixed. So it's definitely going to delay them. I'm somewhat glad of it, in that I will get a chance to rest with them around and I might beat this stupid cold. It's going to be mildly odd, though, knowing that they'll be here, possibly, for about half of Jet's life.