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March 21, 2002
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Post-Production Depression

10:35 pm: I am all run ragged today. Jet had another not too good night last night, and I was also worn out from the big push to get all the materials done for today. It's been since Saturday, and I'm just feeling bad about it all.

Bill hasn't said anything that indicates anything negative about anything I've done. I should remember that as a fact. I've done okay. Not great, but okay.

It also helped that Jet didn't sleep for more than half an hour this afternoon. So he was crabby, cranky, and I didn't really get any time to work this afternoon. Then again, I shouldn't really have to after the last week. Still, I was kind of cranky, too, from the fact that when the review happened this morning, it actually didn't. Instead, folks said that they needed more time. So it's been pushed off until next week. The absolute drop dead line is actually strict control, which doesn't happen until the middle of April. So there is time, but I'd rather have more time figuring out what we need to do and how to change it rather than time for people to read things they should have read. Ah well, it'll be a better review for the time and for people actually going over the materials.

That rankled.

I have only a few more things to chase down, and I suspect that I'm going through some postnatal affects of getting all this stuff done for the Flint release and it's getting to the point where I'm about done with everything I have to get done.

I'm feeling kind of broken today. I have been playing Angband whenever Jet hasn't needed my attention. The cleaning ladies came and cleaned around us, and that worked out just fine. Jet watched them and gave me some dead brain time. I wonder, some, if some of this feeling of 'what's it all worth anyway' is because I haven't written much here for the last few days, or if it's the other way around. Because I don't care enough, I haven't written?

There seem to be lots of people on livejournal going through something of a seasonal depression as well, and, admittedly, it's depressing to read about it all and be able to do little to nothing about it. There are moments when I really am nostalgic for the first three months of having Jet, where I could do nothing but take care of him and know it was the right thing to be doing. Maybe some of it was the excuse to be totally isolated for a reason. Now I don't have the reasons anymore, and I still feel isolated and like I'm completely out of touch and out of synch with the rest of the world. It's like looking up from work and my immediate family life and realizing I don't really have anything else, for a reason.

Of course in the middle of my mope a package arrives from Carl for Jet, and it's an entire dozen Pad Thai packets!! Carl sent them to Jet to give to me, but Jet loved playing with them, hauling them around and dropping them on my foot. The little food pods are really bright red, so they instantly attracted Jet's eye.

I am very happy with that. Each one is enough food for two meals, and I'm going to be having a lot of them for lunch and dinner real soon. Yum.

Jet played ball with me, today, with his little Bob the Builder rubber ball. He chases after it when I roll it away and then either rolls it, sometimes actually in my direction, and often wherever he manages to roll it. He also will go through all the actions it takes for him to actually pick it up and then he'll bring it to me! I'm amazed by that, and cheer him on happily. Jet actually plays ball!

He is also starting to use words more, like 'nananonnonnon." for "No." when he either doesn't want something or when he doesn't like what's going on. He'll use "Mamamummummum." for me! He'll also use it for nursing, or being held when he's tired or hungry. He actually used it on the changing table while John was changing him and he heard my voice upstairs!

He also picked up a 'blahdeblahdeblahdeblah' for just carelessly talking to someone. He seems to know that it's actually babbling and he'll use it to just babble, in contexts where he isn't urgent, isn't trying to convey something, and is just talking to hear himself talk.

So his vocabulary seems to be growing. He still hasn't any interest in books other than to see how the pages turn and work; but I read them to him anyway. Now, about once per book, he'll actually point to something on a page instead of just relentlessly turning pages. So I say the word that goes with what he pointed at, and I have no idea if he's actually listening for that as he doesn't show any satisfaction for getting a word or not.

But I imagine he's doing his job and learning like crazy. We'll only see the results sometime later

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