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May 29, 2001
two years ago
three years ago

Joy

Jet had a really joyful morning. He was just in a perfectly great mood, playing like crazy, happily kicking and grabbing things a lot. He grabs things more, now, especially when he's being changed. Jet'll grab his shirt, the diaper, and any hand that gets within range. It makes it a little bit harder to change him, but it also makes it a lot funnier.

He has such joy. I don't remember what it was like to be so happy. For no specific reason. He hasn't just gotten something he wanted, he hasn't just eaten something special, he hasn't just gotten a raise or money, he hasn't accomplished anything, and he hasn't learned something. He's just rested, not hungry, and has someone or something to play with and interact with.

That's it. And he has this crazy, total, staggering drunk-like joy.

I know I don't remember having that. I think that I could only experience it with my grown up mind through him. Maybe this is part of why some people have kids? I dunno. I do imagine that all babies can be this kind of unalloyed happy, where everything is a plaything and attention is the best thing of all.

I guess it goes with the oddity of finding that I love someone totally who has nothing, has done nothing, and has no capabilities. He can't hold a witty conversation, has no meaningful insights to offer, and has no solutions for my problems. In fact, he creates lots of problems for me to solve. He just is. And I find that I really, literally, love him simply for who and what he is. That is so amazing and strange.

And it changes how I see everything. There was someone who said that a mother who gives birth becomes someone who has their heart walking around outside of them. And it's so true, now. It's also so strange that it is so, when I'd had plenty of plans to leave him in other people's care or to John or whatever. I want to take care of him, want to do the work and change the diapers and give the massages and comfort the cries. It really is different for my own kid compared to the babies that scared the heck out of me.

Maybe it's simply the act of giving birth? That someone gained by that immense effort and pain is automatically valued ahead of all else? I dunno. All I do know is that I will get up two times a night and aching in the morning just to see that smile.


10:06 pm

Today was a grueling day. We planned on getting Jet a crib today, as we probably wouldn't have the chance during the week after we went back to work. He's starting to outgrow his bassinet, and we had done some research. We did a bit more at Babies R Us, and Jet had played all morning and then ate off me a bit and then we got into the Range Rover.

He went to sleep on the way to Babies R Us, and slept part of the way through the store. We got more formula, checked out car seats, and then peered at nearly all the cribs on the showroom floor. I finally settled on a ChildCraft crib that I felt was exceptionally solid and had an extra drawer under the crib for more storage and places for toys and things. It was fairly expensive, though, and so we decided we'd continue with our plan and do what dickering we could at Guys and Dolls since it was obvious that Babies R Us wouldn't dicker.

So a few hours later we were off to the Volkswagon dealer in South Denver. It surprised me when I saw the clock, because it was nearly three hours since Jet last ate. He wasn't complaining, though, so we went to the dealer, and I got him to latch on while John went to get Passat parts. The driver's door had had some problems with opening, so he was geting a part to help it out. He also got touch up paint and some other small parts at good prices. That was cool.

Jet got one boob done when John came back, so I took him off and he protested mightily, but then calmed down after a bit. So we went to a Good Times just a block away and ate. When we were done, I latched Jet onto the other side and let him eat. Sadly, he was more fascinated with the tree outside the window than eating.

I gave him his fifteen minutes, and then we pulled out for Guys and Dolls, and got there in a good time. Jet was fast asleep in his car seat again, and we debated and wandered and looked. Finally we settled on the sam ChildCraft crib, with an on-sale chest of drawers and mattress thrown in. The whole deal was for less than the crib and mattess would have been at Babies R Us. Hoorah!

We then went to the loading dock and got everything stuffed into the Range Rover while I changed a nicely messy poopy diaper from Jet. We'd been doing just-wet changes all day and those are a lot easier than a really gooey diaper on a car seat while gorlla men are stuffing furniture into the same said car.

By then it was another two hours since Jet had half-heartedly eaten so we stopped at a 7-11 to get drinks for John and I and let Jet try and eat. He didn't eat eagerly there, either. So I finally gave up and we headed home. Of course, Jet cried the whole last five minutes of getting home, but the moment we stopped he stopped and I picked him up and he wanted to latch on through my shirt.

So I fed him at peace at home, and then got my nap. Yay!.

A quiet evening. John made taco salad for dinner, while Jet and I caught up for the day with hourly feedings for most of the late afternoon and evening. We gave Jet a bath while we watched the second game of the Stanley cup. The hot day had cooled with thunder showers and we opened all the windows and doors when the sun had set.

After one feeding Jet fell asleep and John and I did our darnedes to wrestle the queen sized bed down to the basement from Jet's room. The box spring completely stymied us, we'll have to see if we can remove a railing tomorrow. It will be nice to have Jet's room and the office at the same level when he actually does sleep through the night. Then taking care of him during the day will be a bit easier with all his toys and things all in the same place as our work. Nice to have a changing table upstaires as well.

What marvelous plans, which will, of course, likely be upset by reality, somehow. But it's fun to try.

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