previous next index

May 2, 2002
a year ago
three years ago
four years ago

Taking Care of Tired, Unhappy Me

I woke up really tired, sore, and worried this morning. The sore was pretty obvious. I'd worked pretty hard at water aerobics last night, and with the heavy water weights, I'd done a real number on my shoulders and upper arms. I could really tell what hurt when I rolled my shoulders and everything crackled. Oog.

The tired was because I was mildly worried about Jet sleeping in his infant seat and in my minds eye I could see him sleeping in his infant seat with his head flopped over the top as his feet are already flopped over the bottom when he's like two or three or something like that. Silly brain. It took me *two* hours to feed him and try and get him to sleep in his crib, twice, and then I even had problems getting him to go to sleep in his infant seat.

That was *part* of the tired, that is.

The other part of the tired was two fold and folds well into the 'worried'. The first comes from a conversation that really kicked a really hot emotional button I have about people who can't seem to distinguish between facts, which can be entirely true or false because they can be replicated universally, and beliefs, opinions, judgements, or, as I like to put it, "God's Own Truth". And they will call items of the second category Truth. The capitol T usually gives it away, for me, at least. And I initially got my distaste for people that mix up fact and opinion in the ferocious religious debates I used to get into on Usenet.

I have a ferocious problem with people who present their opinions, beliefs, and judgements as if they were truth. It eats at my gut and my brain and everything. It makes me go rabid.

Some of it, I'm sure, is my scientific training, which as a very clear and precise definition of true as something that can be replicated and is generally applicable. And even in science, even if a theory is believed to be generally true, it's *still* something that can be tested. In science, the exception explodes the rule, and makes it false. Period. So if someone presents a belief to me as a truth, I usually find an exception and expect them to go, "Oh! Okay, so that's false." Yeah, I know. They never do. I really enjoy exploring different contexts for the rule, and it always baffled, angered, and frustrated me that when I did present a particular context where the rule didn't work, they'd try and dismiss the context as 'Oh... that's a special, tiny case...' or 'it's just a context, it doesn't matter...' or 'taking into account contexts just muddies the waters, Truth doesn't need context!'... ARGH

So my brain was really mad about that conversation and spinning on it merrily when I let it.

I also had to lead a meeting this morning, at 9 am. It's a meeting that my boss usually leads, and he's a really decisive kind of guy and really gets into the nuts and bolts of what all the engineers are doing. He has his brain wrapped around everything that everyone is attempting, knows, or would know, and it really shows in these bug review meetings, as he pretty much has an answer or a desired outcome for nearly all the bugs that come up.

I am not nearly as closely connected to what's going on.

So I was worried that I'd be really incompetent about running the meeting. Of course, the worry meant that I got less sleep, which, likely would sabotage the meeting in an indirect way. Whee...

I finally shut it all off, firmly, by doing a meditation that Gretchen reminded me of, where I just put all my focus and mind in a steady series of body parts, from toes all the way up to the top of my head and back again. Just over and over with some memories of my massage on Tuesday with CeLena. Just playing back the soothing sensation, over and over and then I was asleep.

I didn't wake up until 8. After getting myself put back together and nursing Jet I had ten minutes to make and eat breakfast, so I settled for a bowl of Chex. I probably should have done a smoothie, takes very little time to make, I can drink it on the phone without too much problem, and it would have sustained me far better than half a bowl of crushed rice Chex. Next time.

The meeting didn't start off well, as when I called in, everyone but Longmont was on two minutes into the meeting. Longmont didn't get on until ten minutes after. For a thirty minute meeting that had some bad consequences. We only got through half the CRs. It didn't help that we started with the 'old' bugs that people needed to debate what to do with. It also didn't help that I didn't know everything that Bill did, but that was a small enough problem that I didn't feel like I'd completely failed. The second meeting did start on time, as I just cut things off when our time limit was up. They got through everything and gave us five minutes at the end to go back over a few CRs.

I felt very good about the five minutes, as I was then able to just slam through the ones that I knew that our engineers had already looked at and wanted to fix. This gave them that opportunity. That was probably the most useful five minutes I've ever had.

Then another hour-long meeting, where I had to be active about as my boss wasn't there. Sometimes it's hard to listen from a remote site.

By the time I went to pick Jet up at 11, I was pretty exhausted. Jet, himself, was cheerful, hale, and active. He was happy to just *go* the whole time and didn't seem tired at all. Joan said that when she asked him if he wanted a cracker, he said, plain as day and off-hand, "Yeah..." He wouldn't repeat it, though. He seemed pretty tired by the time we got home, and when I nursed him I thought he felt dead asleep. The problem was that when I went upstairs to try and put him down in the crib (you'd think I'd have learned), he woke up and then *stayed* up.

Remember that half a bowl of Chex I had for breakfast? Yeah. They'd totally run out. So I went downstairs and nuked some tamales, heated some chile and ate whatever got hot, first while Jet ran around, sat down and cried, came over and grabbed my legs, then laughed and started playing again, and went through it all over again. Eventually, I could set him in his high chair and he ate globs of tamale, beans, and chile meat happily while I finished my food. I *needed* that. Three tamales and a bowl of chile later I felt much, much better. Jet and I then shared some seltzer, and he was pretty content. I was very glad of that.

We played until about 2, and then he came over to nurse again, and this time I just put him, directly, into his car seat, and he just stayed happily asleep and napped for two hours.

The maids were coming, sometime, so our bed was stripped, so I decided not to take a nap. I got a bunch of work done, too. Jet woke up at 4, we settled down and he ate a whole jar of broccoli and chicken and the maids came in the middle of that. Since I'd done my work, I didn't have to worry about doing any more, and could just play with Jet, keep him out of the maids' way, and enjoy being idle.

Jet kept trying to grab their mops and finally found a duster and he stole it and started pushing it and sweeping everything. Woo. I think, sometimes, that that might be the one reason I'd want to stop maid service for a while, just so Jet learns how to do all the jobs that they're doing and when he can't afford a maid, he can just do it himself the way we had to. He seems pretty eager to learn and do this stuff, and I should take advantage of that while he's young and wants to try.

When John came home he took Jet downstairs while riding the exercise bike. I got to make dinner. I did something dead simple, and brushed a bit of mayo on two skinless, boneless chicken breast halves, pressed Shake and Bake on 'em, and popped them in the oven. When they were half done, Jet and John came up, so Jet and I opened a can of biscuits from the fridge. It startled both of us when it popped, but he wasn't scared by it. Instead, he reached out to feel the biscuit dough, very gently. We plopped them onto a pan and tossed them in the oven, too. I pulled some frozen creamed spinach from the freezer, and slammed that into the microwave, and then played with Jet.

When John was done with his shower, he made salads and then we served everything up. Yum.

I then got a bath. *happy sigh*

I pulled out a bar of Lush Canada's Dreamtime bath melt. It's kind of like bath oil in solid form. I clipped open the plastic, and this gorgeous floral spice scent came rushing out. Ginger, jasmine, almonds, laurel, sandalwood, and chamomile. Wow. Yum. I smashed it in the running water and let it go. With the hot water it smelled wonderful, and I actually relaxed completely this time. I figure a twenty minute shower, while I'm half asleep takes nearly as much water as a bath, where I'm running the water for, maybe, seven minutes. I didn't get all pruney, and it just relaxed everything and pulled a lot of the soreness from my muscles.

I needed that so badly.

Nearly as badly as I needed the last sections of Difficult Conversations, as it went, into detail, about knowing and understanding the difference between facts that are true and opinions, beliefs, convictions, value judgements, personal judgements, and the things that one assumes must be true for 'them' as they're True for you. Better yet was the section that said in big, bold letters, "You Don't Have To Agree". Especially with the latter types things. I have this real problem with not finding consensus, and I really have to learn to let go, sometimes and just disagree.

Those sections really let me let go.

I hope I sleep better tonight.

Jet certainly did. He fell asleep eating while we were watching Return of the Jedi and John tucked him into his infant seat and that was that. Simple.

I talked about it with John this evening, and we both agreed that it's far better to have a baby that sleeps, uninterrupted, in his infant seat than a baby that won't sleep at all and just gets really, really mad, dizzy, and screams a lot while trying to get him to sleep in the crib. So I don't think I'll try that until he either actually out grows the seat or he's old enough to reason with verbally

[ Previous | Next | Index | Mail ]

Copyright 2002 Liralen Li. All Rights Reserved.