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April 4, 2001
a year ago
two years ago
three years ago

Massage and Miracles

I was really, really sore for my massage today. Last night Jet had a really awful night, I think, in part because of whatever gave him gas all of yesterday was in his night time milk, too. So he was up four or five times last night, and I was up, too, pumping for a lot of them.

He was much happier today, though there were still moments of fussing and possible gas. Some of it is that all his signals are changing again, too. He's learned how to play and now there are times when he doesn't want to be picked up and held, he actually wants to be on his back playing with something and able to swing his arms and legs around. There are now moments when he's just frustrated and mad. He's also started getting mad when he's tired and doesn't want to go to sleep.

That last we only really figure out if we put him in the sling and he just goes completely silent, almost in mid-yell.

Michele really had to work me over, and when I left Jet was yelling in the sling while John was looking a mite harried as he was about to have a conference call meeting. When I got back I learned that Jet had done the fall instantly asleep thing and only woke up when I got back home. So he was able to eat then.

He didn't have much gas today, which was a very good thing. He also seems to be starting to find his fist to comfort himself with. He sucks on it instead of on the pacifier and seems very happy with it. It does mean that his fists get stickier, but it's very keen to know that he can find his fist. It's also very cool to know that we don't have to give him a pacifier for him to have something to suck.

People, alternately, say that these months are the hardest and easiest times in having a kid. I think that the two extremes might be explained in the single extreme that is the fact that Jet is extremely and completely dependent on us. As he grows up he's going to be less and less dependent. Right now he depends on us for everything, from comfort to how he eats, from any type of mobility to everything he is exposed to as stimulus. He is gradually going from requiring all entertainment from us to finding a few things he can entertain himself with.

It's easy because any decisions we make are what goes. He doesn't have a say in anything and pretty much goes along with what happens, and only protesting if his basic needs aren't met. It's hard because we have to give him everything and do everything for him. Two people doing the living work for three. Even if the third's needs don't include things that are particularly complex, it's still a lot of work.

One of our old co-workers was in Denver today. He'd just joined Xilinx and was getting some training as well as getting to meet a bunch of the folks in his area. So he was here during the day and had spent some time during the last week coordinating a visit with us here. He drove up and came to the house.

Bob, in the meantime, went to China Gourmet and bought dinner for us, and came as well. He wanted to meet up with Mark and the four of us had dinner. Mark's expecting a girl in July and he looked mildly bemused while holding Jet. He's like John and I, never having taken care of a baby before, and he was mildly relieved to know that people like us were able to actually take care of a baby.

Dinner was mostly work talk. Bob was telling me that I'd been out at a good time, that morale still wasn't terribly good, and that he'd look forward to me coming back just so that he could have something of a sanity check. That would be good.

I still don't have any idea how I'd be able to go back to work and care for Jet while that happens; but if John and I are both part time it's possible. There are times when Jet's playing or napping when he doesn't really need either of us, now, and I imagine those times might get to be more numerous and longer.

Joan had a good point when she said that she wouldn't leave one of her kids in day care until they could talk. Then they could tell her what was going on if something bad was, and they could tell a caregiver what they wanted ot needed, as well. Much easier than someone trying to guess a strange baby's needs.

But I am starting to think about what I want about work. It was kind of good to talk with people again about thinking things, but it also really reminded me of all the times when I've been so frustrated with doing technical work with people. It's not the work itself that gets frustrating, it's working with people with a different idea of what's going on. Bill is very good at technical leadership, but he's not so good at personal leadership, and really needs to work on helping his group have the emotional state needed to tackle all the hard things that are coming up instead of being beaten down by how much there is to do.

It was fun to talk with Bob a lot, but it really did make me glad to be out for this time. He was also very droll about going home to have some time with his wife before they had to go to sleep. A good lesson for a marriage.

Mark stayed a while longer and he'd found my journal and asked me about our experiences with the fertility clinics. I brought up the fact that the name Regis had suggested for Jet, Glorious Five Year Plan Rostykus, would have been appropriate for the time it had taken us to figure things out and do something about them.

The more I talk about those things, the more I learn about other people who have had to deal with the same uncertainties and problems . It's hard when a loving couple tries to get a baby and nothing happens. Another of John's friends is going through a bunch of stuff and figuring out that it just isn't going to work. Mark and his wife worked through a lot of stuff and now have their upcoming baby girl as the fruit of all their work. That's pretty cool.

It's somehow freeing to talk with someone where it worked out, too. No sorrow or guilt about our luck after the effort we put into it. It really is luck, too, in many ways, and it's hard to go back to thinking about those times when we would have had to simply decide that it wasn't going to happen.

It's happened. Jet's real and he's out of my body and I still can't do justice to the feelings I have when I really realize that again. It still astonishes me all out of proportion. I mean, every human being is the result of some woman going through all this, but it still seems anything but everyday.

Katheryn once wrote that nearly all the accounts of birth that she'd ever seen were 'there was lot of pain and then a miracle occured' and that she liked mine for the details and reality of what was happening behind the emotional miracle. It's still a miracle.

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