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March 7, 2002
two years ago
three years ago
four years ago

Tired

9:27 pm: I'm tired.

I feel mildly guilty admitting it, but I'm really tired. I'm tired of taking care of Jet. I'm tired of taking care of John. And I feel guilty for feeling tired and mildly resentful about taking care of them for nearly a week when it's nothing they could control. There's a part of me that even hopes that I'll come down with this awful thing just so that I can have someone take care of me for a while.

I don't really wish that, but I really, really need a break, and the good news is that as awful as John's night was and he's still not doing really great today, he *is* doing better. Life will get back to normal, eventually, but at the moment, it's just looking really awful and nasty and I'm sad for me because I'm finding it hard to hope.

I did, however, talk with John about all this, and did my best to lay no blame or guilt, and he understood and didn't take it that way. I was very glad of that. He did say that he would take good care of me now that he was feeling better, and I believe he will do his best to do stuff for me when he is healthy again.

I wonder, a little, if it's also me being tired from last night and from swimming. I woke up just *starving* this morning, and found that I lost two pounds in the last week, too. I think that swimming has kicked up my metabolism and even as much as I'm eating now, my body is just burning it all away.

John stayed home again, and, like Tuesday, he slept the entire afternoon. I was glad that he could as it'll only help get him better in the long run, but at the time, I had a really cranky Jet who was really tired but refused to go to sleep at all during the day. He also really wanted to eat off me, but I think that because I'm so tired, I wasn't producing nearly enough milk for him, and I ended up giving him formula twice just to calm him down. I'm very glad it works and he likes it and I have absolutely no guilt or desire, anymore, to feed him exclusively off me. If anything, all this might be good incentive to wean him soon.

I didn't get all the work done I wanted to, eventhough Joan took him for nearly four hours. I got a late start with some cleaning up that had to be done before the maids arrived. They got here a bit before Joan did with Jet, and Jet was intrigued by all the vacuums, strange voice, and everything else. So he didn't nap at all, even after a really intense four hours at Joan's, where he didn't sleep at all, either.

He must be getting better.

Still, he was cranky, tired, and hungry all afternoon, eventhough I tried to also feed him some solids.

John was cool and called Dr. Turner today and found out the foods that would help with the back end problems. So I fed Jet apples, bananas, and rice. I also cooked John a big pot of soupy rice for dinner, and that sat with him much better than the ramen did yesterday. I added turkey, scallions, spinach, a bit of soy sauce, a dab of sesame oil, and the dried pork powder and it was really good for a solid meal as well.

I had to have a little alone time again after everyone was in bed, and Jet got up twice before 11. It was his nose that was bothering him, and when I finally had to wake John up to help me clear Jet's nose out, poor Jet's nose bled like crazy. It was just really tender. Poor little guy.

The humidifier my parents bought for us now just works full-time, all night, at a low setting, and it helps him a lot when he's mostly clear he doesn't seem to get worse. The humidity now exists to a point where, if I can, I'll feed him in the middle of the night in his room, as much because it's easier for me to breath in there as anything. So that's worked out well.

Still, Jet was just a really unhappy little guy for a while. With his nose finally clear, though, I think he's asleep for real. I hope John and Jet are better tomorrow, I don't really know how much more of this I can take

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