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May 7, 2003
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Frustrating Day

7:37 pm: I'm mildly tired of the Window's paradigm of closing or quitting from things when any ESC is hit. So I'm now in GVim and just plowing away at a journal entry without any worry about hitting a bad key.

A frustrating thing happened today. Several of them. The first was that the network card in my work machine at home quit on me. It just decided that the cable was always unconnected, no matter the cable, the hookup to the ISDN box, or the bootability of the machine. I booted it a few times. But the IT guys are quite willing to take it in tomorrow and do some surgery. The irony of it, though, is that my laptop is supposed to be arriving any day, now. Ha.

The other frustrating thing that is that my boss' boss has said that it's unlikely that I'll be able to transition over to the new job even in the August timeframe. It's mildly inane. Especially when my future boss has said that he's working his butt off to get an internal req. for our team and has even gotten a VP to sign off on it, much less his divisional head. So on one hand, I have someone telling me it might be ten months, and on the other hand, I have someone telling me what they're actively doing about the problem. Who would you want to work for?

I am bitter.

Badly bitter.

Plus, after all the brouhaha about all my experience being the asset that they can't do without, are they actually using it? Listening to me in any way whatsoever? No. Are they actually paying heed to the things I say are probable problems? Everyone around me is in the mad rush to just build something, "Anything's better than the old system." When they don't even recognize the fact that the old system does what it does pretty well, and even our marketing acknowledges that it now does 95 percent of the things they hear customers want to do, and it does them well.

And that's the 95% that no one is paying a damned bit of attention to in building the new system. It's the corner cases, the things we can't do yet, the things that they want to do that are all to the fore and it's killing me.

I want out so badly. They're all reassuring me that they're doing everything they can, but it might be ten months. Growl. Do you *want* a resource that hates you?

But, honestly, I guess I don't hate them if they're really doing everything they can. So it is. If, however, they turn down all the internal applicants because they can't do everything that I can do and use that to say that I can't leave, I am going to start hating them. But that's neither here nor there, just a worry that's likely not even true.

Work was okay.

Lunch was fun. We went to La Cocina and it was yummy. They had a Mexican food buffet with enchiladas, tacos, tostadas, chilequiles (layers of beef, corn tortillas, green chile, onions and cheese... yum), burritos, and tons of sopapillas. I'm still full. It was six bucks for all you can eat, and I ate quite a lot, as it was good food.

Chad came along, as did Bob and Lynn. It was good to just talk with all those guys again. I feel like I'm leading a bad double-life, as I'm trying to move onto this other thing and I can't really talk about it with Bob or the other guys at all. It's not like I'm in the midst of it, anyway, though, so that makes it mildly easier. Bah.

My heart aches at all of this. So it is. Won't make it happen any sooner, but it just kind of makes me mad and stressed enough to want to eat too much.

I talked with John about my Mexican chocolate obsession. John asked Alex, a Mexican co-worker, about where to find Majordomo or La Soledad chocolate in the neighborhood, and they pointed out a store to us that I kind of knew about, but hadn't explored extensively. So I have something to do tomorrow, if Jet and I go to Longmont a bit early for our usual Rec. Center visit. I should be fun. I shouldn't get too much of it, though. The stuff is pretty calorie laden and I should still watch that. Still, under these kinds of stress it's hard to remember, sometimes, when I really want the comfort.

I really should look at it as two sets of people really respecting my capability and abilities and really wanting me to be on their team. On one side, they're moving heaven and earth and personnel priorities to bring me over, and consider me important enough, strategically, to put in front of other people. On the other side, they really want my expertise and experience at work with a problem that they believe I know inside and out. When, really, I only know that I need to ask about the problem, first...

It seems like such a crock to me, to want me for my experience, when all of my experience says that experience is a crock. The important thing is to ask the present set of customers about what the problem really is, what they really do everyday and what would make that better.

Jet is nursing monster, today. He's wanted to nurse every time he's seen me, and then he doesn't want to come off, afterwards. It's been kind of tiring, and I wonder if he's coming down with something. He ate peanut butter and jelly at Joan's. He wouldn't eat the baked beans he had yesterday. He wanted candy, instead. But John made him a corndog and he wolfed that down. So that is good so fare as solid foods go. The little guy knows what he wants and cried for ten minutes straight when we said that he couldn't have candy before he had dinner. But it's now a rule and we'll stick to it.

Dinner was leftover chicken with hot mango BBQ sauce grilled until it started burning on the outside, along with grilled asparagus, and the last of Jet's baked beans. We ate outside, though there are supposed to be severe thunderstorms all around us. It was nice outside, sunny and warm and Jet and John went on a walk afterwards.

So I'm working on this by myself and trying to figure out how to do work on our home machine. At least it's faster than the old clunker of a work machine I have. I need to get Jet into a bath and then go to sleep a bit earlier than usual. I'm so tired, and some of that is just from thinking about all this transition stuff. I probably ought to just leave it up to what happens, happens, and work on what I can work on

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