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October 8, 2003
1, 2, 3, 5, 6 years ago

Feeling Better and Sorting Through History

9:56 PM: Okay. I'll admit it. It's been a good day today. Actually a good day. I am not well. I am better, but I am not well. The antibiotics are getting to my gut, finally, but that's okay, as my throat has stopped constricting, my sinuses are running clear, and my eyes have whites again. They're not as red as some second-rate vampire in a low-budget movie, where they just rubbed salt into the actor's eyes instead of giving them cool contacts for a hundred dollars a pair.

They have whites. The doc said that I could stop the drops when my eyes were better, but I keep thinking about putting just a few more in to Make Sure. As if that would help... as Jet's eyes, once they cleared, were just fine, and I'm on my fourth day of drops, rather than just the two it took to clear up Jet's eyes. Amazing how well young immune systems work especially compared to old ones. Jet's got the huff cough that both John and I are ending up with, but he doesn't seem to have any of the painful symptoms John and I worked through.

I'm glad. It would be far harder to deal with them in him than in us.

I am better. I went into work. For just the morning. Then I talked with Ajay and found out that Arun's been telling people that I'm fine with where I am and that I don't want to change over anymore, especially now that the budget thing fell through AGAIN. Damnit. I'm kind of mad about Arun representing my feelings that way. I want to move. Damnit. And I don't know how to not be a 'team player' and say that I'll take it in the gut when I really want to do this new thing. I halfway wonder if all this being sick is my body really protesting that I shouldn't have "given up" so easily and just let Arun sweet talk me back into the group for the next six months.


I hate it when my instincts to do what would help other people out the most conflict with any semblance of some knowledge of what I really want to do. I seem ready to sacrifice myself on the alter of getting what other people wanted done so easily it just maddens me.


I came out of that a lot more exhausted than I went in. I got home. I had some lunch. Then John brought up getting a bunch of the wool and other fiber tools ready to go to Seattle as his parents are leaving in the morning and are quite willing to take the stuff there with them. I was NOT ready for that, emotionally. It's a huge amount of my life all in those bundles of fibers, and it seemed impossible for me to go through them all and sort through what was important and what wasn't on top of feeling so ill.

I told John, rather sharply, that I was supposed to nap, now. So I went and lay down on the bed and couldn't sleep a damned wink. I finally ended up reading Nerd in Shining Armor by Vicki Lewis Thompson. I vaguely remember Kathy pointing me at this author, and when John accidentally pointed out the novel in the bookstore, I had to get it, and I'm now glad I did. It's sexy, funny, and smart for a romance novel. I really enjoyed it. Got a few good laughs, a few good tears, and a lot of amusement from the whole thing. Which was much better than lying there and fretting about my stupid work situation and the whole thing about having to give up all my spinning.

I ended up figuring out that I didn't have to give it all up. That I could save a few things that were important or interesting to me, and give the rest of it up. I have enough of so many things that I could give up part of everything and still have plenty left if I ever did feel the urge again, and could persuade Jet not to put his hands in the wheel every time I got it going. I had to keep the Fezzik fur and the brown wool that went with it. That was a given. I had to keep some of the prize long-staple, super fine crimp wool from New Zealand that my mom and dad got me plus some others that I'd squirreled away. I had to keep the Scottish cashmere, but I was amused to find that I could give up a few bags of angora bunny fur, no problem, which were far more expensive. I kept some tussah for socks, but gave the rest of it up. I kept some of the water dyed silks, as they're so beautiful, but gave some of it up. The rest I gave up along with the carding machine, as it would be utterly unfair to hand over entire fleeces with no way to process them.

I made a list. Then I could sleep.

Then we all went swimming, though Jet said that he didn't want to go. We swam for a good half an hour, and then he said that he was too cold. We all ended up in 'the neighborhood'. For some reason Jet calls the hot tub at the Rec. Center the 'neighborhood'. We think it might be because of all the condos you can see outside. Or it might be something as obscure as the fact that he sits on the steps, and he might think of it as a doorstep? Or something? I dunno. Whatever it is, he calls it, quite firmly, 'neighborhood', so that's what we call it to him when we ask if he wants to go. He did. And he got warmed up quite nicely, along with the rest of us. He just sits up on the step, so he can't get too hot. We all soak until we're too hot and then sit on the edge with him.

He had fun. He enjoyed his shower, and closed his eyes when I rinsed the shampoo off from his head. He ate a few goldfish, and had fun singing and running over to Isabel and George.

We went to Hunan Garden for dinner. We asked the waiter what was good, and he came up with basil beef, a whole steamed striped bass, and pea shoots. I asked for lions' heads as well, and we had a great meal. Plenty of food. I got some leftover lions heads, and everyone really enjoyed their food. That was really good. There was a mild tussle over the check, but George won, and Jet got a piece of candy and a cookie to boot. My fortune read that my future was filled with success and happiness. I can hope.

Once home, we all watched the Tiny Toy stories one more time. Then Jet got a couple of books, and when everyone agreed that he was really poopy, I changed him and changed him into his PJ's and he got his teeth brushed and went to sleep almost immediately. I think he's pretty tired from pre-school and swimming all in one day. The teacher had told Isabel and George that Jet had actually participated in the Circle today and sang with everyone else! Wow. So he's taking another step into participating in the things that he's finding familiar. That's very good indeed.

They've packed most everything up. John and I went down and I finally sorted through everything and it turned out to be easier than I thought it would be. That was very reassuring. My hands have been a lot better since I've been seeing CeLena again. I did all that knitting at the beginning of the year without her to work things out. So maybe, with her to work things out, I may be able to do some of the things I used to do. No production work any more, but that's okay, as that wasn't what fascinated me in the first place. So that's really good. I can at least trim down to a reasonable amount of project space. We also went through all my yarns, and I now have a give-away box that's bigger than my keep box, which is a very good thing to have and know. I'm glad of that.

I have yarn that I really, truly want, for the things that I really want to do, but I don't have the yarn that I don't want or need anymore. That's an excellent thing to clean out of my life. The projects that I'll never do.

The great good news is that my throat doesn't hurt at all when I swallow, even late at night. I am much, much, much better than I was Sunday and even loads better than yesterday. Even with only the extremely short nap of yesterday.

John's going to stay home for part of the morning, tomorrow, to help me deal with life. It's a good thing as I'll really like either sleeping in or getting some work actually done with al my brain instead of only a little bit of it that isn't completely ill. Isabel was a wonder and actually stripped, washed, and then remade our bed for us, now that my pinkeye is finally cured. It's something that's contagious enough that it's far better to have all the bedding washed. She did Jet's as soon as his second case of it had gone away, which may well be why he hasn't had a third. I never even thought to do that!

I'll remember, though, now.

It's great to have an example instead of a lecture

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